Did You Know.........

After extensive research, I have uncovered the truth. In the early 1950's, the US Government did an extensive experiment involving all races, religions, and sexes. This experiment consisted of endless rigorous water exercises.

What exactly prompted this research into these experiments you ask. When I was in Boot Camp, while treading water for 5 minutes(that's the required time), I happened to notice that there were some bleachers. Upon the bleachers, sat the people that supposedly didn't know how to swim. As if, they were on a ship and it sank, they wouldn't have to worry about it. They don't know how to swim so God in his extreme benevolence would bestow upon them a set of bleachers that would miraculously float above the water. Unfortunately, if you knew how to swim you would be forced to swim and possibly drowned. How unfortunate for you that you learned how to swim at a young age. It was impossible for anyone who knew how to swim to attain the bleachers. The bleacher phenomenon was proven during the Government testing and there is no other explanation than God will save those who can't swim and smite those who do.

So, while treading water it came to mind that 5 minutes wasn't that long and how come it was only 5 minutes. Well I soon found out. After experiencing first hand and then confirming my suspicions during my research, it came to be known that black people can't tread water for more than 5 minutes(the few who actually know how to swim). It's true, I don't know why, it's just the way it is. For those few black people who God granted the ability to swim, he gave them the handicap of 5 minutes total. He also gave them the ability to repel water. Have you ever seen a black person get out of the water? The water just beads and falls right off of them.

Well, during the Government experiment it was discovered that after the 5 minutes were up and the black people who weren't on the bleachers had drowned, it was possible for those still alive to lash all their bodies together and make a raft. This raft worked extremely well. Since the bodies of the black people physically repelled the water, the raft became in all actuality a hover craft that the survivors could climb upon and ride to safety.

There was also no fear of the raft being attacked and eaten by sharks since the meat of a black person is the most unsatisfactory meal of all time.....trust me....I know.

Now, black people are not the only people afflicted with certain swimming stigmas. Mexicans also have to deal with adversity when it comes to water. There is only one way for a Mexican person to swim in the water. They must swim while floating on their back, hence the term Wet Back. It was discovered during the testing that if a Mexican were to turn over from floating on their back while in the water, they would sink like a stone.

Not only was this a problem for the Mexicans, it was also a problem for the Border Patrol. With all the Mexicans crossing the Rio Grande, some were bound to turn over, sink and drown. The problem with this, is the fact that once they sank, their skin blended into the silt and mud on the bottom of the river and their was no way to recover the body. So over time, the bottom of the Rio Grande got higher and higher until there was no need for the illegals to even swim across the river anymore. They could just walk across on the wet backs of their deceased bretheren.

Asians were in the same boat as white people. They just had to wait 5 minutes or wait for all the Mexicans to roll over. However, many an Asian was sacraficed to the sharks. This had to do with the fact that sharks also love Asian food, just like everyone else. Also, no matter how much you eat within minutes you are hungry again, so the sharks would continuously come back for more and more Asian.

Although, if you want to think about it. It is worth saying that black people are the smarter persons since they tend to not learn how to swim, all they have to do is sit on the bleachers and then there is no fear of drowning.

It should be pointed out that religion has nothing to do with surviving in the water and women still can't do anything better than men.

Transcript: Bush Declares War On Mother Nature

Discovered recently are many letters and speeches, written by our esteemed and Level 35 Wizard President. Though as I release them you will come to realize why these never reached the public. Some are too much for some people to handle, or maybe just to stupid. Read on and find out for yourself. This is the Second in the series.


My fellow Americans: A while ago we were attacked by a faceless coward, Mother Nature. We have mourned for those who lost their second homes, for the children who will never know Mardi Gras as I did. Now our grief is turning to anger, and in the midst of our blinding rage, we will make many important decisions.

The only explanation for this act of eco-terrorism is that Mother Nature hates freedom. Much like the war on terror, our war on the environment has nothing to do with combustible fossil fuels. A century of unrestrained growth from western capitalists would not drive anything or anyone to these unspeakable acts against some truly beautiful homes and centers of high finance. Katrina attacked us because in our country we are free to drive SUVs.

Our war on the environment will be fought on two fronts. Physically, with our hands, we will continue to poison the very air we breathe. We will encourage even more corporations to dump toxic waste into our rivers. America will continue to lead the world in global pollution. At home, we will cut funding for hydrogen-powered energy. We will increase our censorship of the Weather Channel, and burn all books related to global warning. Except for that one by Michael Crichton. He's a smart man. He invented Jurassic Park and ER.

Over the last few weeks, we have shown the world what America is capable of. Mother Nature would have you believe that we're a nation of inept bureaucrats, racist journalists and apathetic politicians. I'm proud to say that I tend not to focus on those things.

Like the attacks of September 11, 2001, there is no way we could have seen Hurricane Katrina coming. But just like our invasion of Iraq, we have a plan to clean up the mess this terrorist has made.

I'm gonna go ahead here and close with an ole saying by FDR:


"We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And, now, apparently, the weather. And Arabs, of course. And, should they turn fanatical, weather-controlling Arab medicine men. Bastards. Thank you, and God bless the half of America that doesn't read."