Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Pedo-Santa!


I know that when you think of Christmas you are supposed to think of presents, snow, family gatherings and fun times. Lately though, whenever I think of Christmas, I am thinking of all the poor children who are being sent mixed signals.

For 364 days out of the year, children are told to never accept candy or toys from strangers. It makes sense. However, for one day out of the year, parents tell their children that it is okay for a fat jolly old man to sneak into their house and give them presents. The children have to be asleep though? Is that a good thing? When I think of this fat jolly man sneaking around in the night leaving stuff for children, what exactly happens in the middle of the night to all these sleeping people. I mean, any other time of the year, if someone sneaks into your house, you call the cops and they put 10 pounds of lead into that person. But, not this night. Now you are probably saying, "Oh, but he leaves stuff. He doesn't take anything." Really? He's not taking anything, except our childrens innocence.

It's not just the kids who are in danger either. Who knows what foul things this man is doing to you while you are sleeping. I'm not worried about you though, you are an adult and you brought this on yourself by allowing this foul creature into your house. No one actually knows what this man looks like. It could be anyone, there could be 20 different "Santas" that visit your house that night to leave "presents", and by presents I don't mean toys.

Does no one else see the danger of this? What if someday during the year a fat man comes up to your kid and says, "Hi Timmy, I forgot to give you this toy for Christmas. You probably wouldn't recognize me right now, I have a disguise on. I am Santa and this van over here with no windows, is actually my sleigh." Hello, does no one see this happening? Am I the only one.

Monday, December 24, 2007

A Christmas Poem (from my Mad Libs)


'Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the (type of building) whore house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a (animal) cock.
The (plural noun) whores tucked, all snug in their (plural noun) crabs.
While visions of (adjective) hairy plums danced in their heads.
Then up on the
(noun) lubricated tip there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my
(noun) circle jerk to see what was the matter.
It was St. Nicholas with his little
(adjective) liposuction belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of
(plural noun) babies.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the
(plural noun) holes, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his (part of the body) taint aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the
(noun) stem he rose.
And I heard him exclaim as he (verb past tense) motor crossed out of sight,
"
(adjective) Corneous Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"