The Official Mel Gibson Police Report

Date: July 29, 2006

Time: 2:36 a.m.

Location: Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA.

Offense: DUI

Description of Events:

2006 Lexus going 87 mph in 45 mph road. Upon hearing sirens, the vehicle slowed and started running strange patterns on highway. I stopped vehicle and asked Mr. Gibson why he was doing "donuts" on the Pacific Coast Highway. Gibson advised that he would never do "donuts" because the "Jews control all donut production in the world." He further advised that "Munchkins were invented by greedy Jews who wanted to turn a profit even on the donut holes."

Mr. Gibson then failed the field sobriety test in all respects: recited alphabet in German rather than in English as requested; repeatedly gave the Zeig Heil salute when attempting to touch nose; could not walk a straight line. (In fairness to Mr. Gibson, he increased the difficulty of the task by insisting on walking in goose step fashion while wearing jackboots.)

After attempting to flee the scene, Gibson shouted that "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." These outbursts continued for the next five minutes. Mr. Gibson claimed the Jews were also responsible for:

the death of Jesus;

the impalement of William Wallace;

the disfigurement of The Man Without A Face;

the ransoming of his son;

the plot holes in Signs;

and the overall shitiness of The Million Dollar Motel.



Attempting to inject some levity into this tense situation, I quoted Danny Glover from the Lethal Weapon movies and said, "I'm getting too old for this shit." My joke appeared successful as Mr. Gibson smiled. It turned out, however, that Mr. Gibson was merely relieving himself in his pants. At this point, Mr. Gibson attempted to play off his behavior as "research." He claimed to be doing a movie about the son of a Jew-hating New Yorker who denies the Holocaust ever happened and then moves his family to Australia. The son returns to the States where he stars in action movies until he finds his true calling of making films about martyrs while drunkenly offending Jews. When asked about the title of this project, Gibson panicked, screamed "Jews eat babies!" and once again wet himself.

After being handcuffed, Mr. Gibson' mood changed for the better. He became more cooperative, repeatedly asking to be flogged while wearing a crown of thorns. As we are the LAPD, we were able to accommodate half of that request. The remainder of the arrest was uneventful, with the exception of Mr. Gibson screaming, "Freedom!" out the back of the police car on the drive to the station.