Random Happenings That Are Dangerous And Mirthsome!!

I saw a dead chicken on the side of the road when I was driving to work this morning. Not a quiet, country road where you might expect there to be chickens nearby. I've never seen a dead chicken on the side of the road so I assume that, contrary to what I'd heard in jokes, chickens don't actually cross roads very often. So I started thinking about why the chicken was trying to cross the road. Had the chicken crossed other, lesser roads or did it decide to go for the gusto right from the start? Was it making some sort of statement? Did it just want to get to the other side? Is it ironic that, when the chicken actually tried to cross the road, it didn't make it? If so, what kind of irony is it -- verbal, dramatic or situational? Have other chickens been crossing roads without me knowing about it? Is there some sort of chickens-crossing-road movement that I need to know about or is this an isolated incident?

A zany food related mirthsome incident occurred when I went to the cafe for my lunch break one day. I asked for a latte and a steak melt panini. The lady shouted my order into the kitchen, referring to it as simply a 'steak melt'. I've never been so embarassed. It was then obvious to me that the only filled baked goods they SERVED were paninis, and I didn't have to say 'panini' at all when I made my order. She must've thought I was a total cunt. I spent the rest of the day under my desk, cradling my lunch and weeping uncontrollably.

This one time we were going to visit the sweet old people in the Jewish retirement home, but instead of my boy scout uniform I accidentally wore my SS uniform. Ha, silly me.

This one time I was in Sarajevo, and I saw the Archduke and his wife driving past in a car, so I thought I'd go out and shake his hand, except, get this, I forgot I was holding a pistol and I accidentally shot and killed them both! There ended up being a bit of trouble over that, so yeah, not exactly my finest hour. I felt a fool.

Today, I accidentally gave a homeless person some change.

When I was ten I had to pee so I walked to the garbage can in our kitchen and started peeing in it. This seemed totally normal to me for a few seconds before something in my mind clicked and I was like "Hey, wait a minute..."

One time this little black kid called me a jigaboo. It was the funniest day of my life.

Do blind people feel love at first sight? No. Blind people can't see. I hope this answers your question.

The internet; where men are men, women are men, and little girls are FBI agents.

Love at first sight. Why, it happens all the time! Imagine this: You, the moon, the empty street. An angel standing by an empty bus stop. Your eyes meet once. Then again. You smile, and she responds. The way she leans next to the wall, her sheepish smile. It drives you insane. You walk towards her as she smiles. You quicken your pace, and pretty soon your running at full gait. She shoots off a look of concern, but it's too late! She's yours. Yours forever. Yours as you reach for her neck. Yours as her muffled screams make your heart flutter. Yours as you dispose of her body in the sewer 20 minutes later. Ahhh, amour. Such a fleeting thing!

In the wasteland, it would seem, hardass homosexuals overtake the Earth – until they get their shit wrecked by Mad Max, anyway.

Everyone's been saying that global warming is to blame for all these hurricanes we've had lately, and maybe we need to start respecting the earth more. But how about we just kill all these butterflies? Or at least stop them from flapping their goddamn wings all the time.

I've always thought it was interesting how different societal expectations on what is and is not acceptable to wear in public can affect whether someone feels fine wearing certain clothes but embarassed when wearing essentially the same amount of clothing, just for a different use. For example a girl may not feel embarrassed at all if I see her in a bikini, but is all screams and pepper spray when I spring out of her closet when she's in bra and panties.

I bet that snapping someone's neck like Solid Snake is a lot like learning how to drive stick, in that it's pretty tough to pick up at first, but once you get the basic idea you want to practice all the time so that you get really good at it.

I wonder if water is odorless and tasteless to all animals, or only us. I bet other animals can taste it, and for horses, water probably tastes like root beer. That must be awesome.

I went to the Downtown Library last week. In an age of internet connectivity, declining literacy rates and rampant addiction to synthetic drugs- I was curious as to who was actually using the library for what.... so I asked everyone I saw there and the most common answer I got was, " Give me your wallet or I'll fuckin' kill you."

I wish that, instead of getting punished for all the people I did kill, I was rewarded for all the people I didn't kill, which happens to be a much bigger number, for now.

When the flight attendant asks me if I want anything and I say "oral sex", why do they get so bent out of shape? I assumed, as any normal person would, that the words 'business class' implied suave professionalism.

The best use of a potato is as a projectile, wielded with deadly accuracy. You can teach someone a valuable lesson about a) your dead-on aim and b) the amazing usefulness of potatoes. Plus, you can wash them off and eat them! You can't eat bullets.

Someone gave a speech on violence in video games. Oh, look at all the statistics you're showing. Wow, 43% of all video games are action and violence based. I should fucking hope so.

When someone is killed, people often buy flowers and place them at the site of the death or the gravesite. So how many of these deaths are actually caused by the flower companies to make profits? Some? Most? All? Or more?

Unicorns have horns, unicorns are white, I've never seen a unicorn that wasn't white. Unicorns are racist. It's a fact.

So look, maybe things have gotten a little out of hand here, and it certainly wasn't my intention to engage in a silly spat of name-calling just to be confrontational or what have you. Instead, and if you've followed along thus far then please believe me when I say this: I sincerely, maturely, and on rational objective grounds, find you to be a mothercuntpunching horror of an overflowing diaper whose ability to avoid getting stabbed in the ass and throat and eyes by everyone who knows him has me, frankly, in a sort of religious awe.