Conversation a friend and I had on the way to work.
Leo: The Pope's a Nazi. I was trying to prove to people at work yesterday that the Pope, used to be a Nazi.
Me: They didn't believe you?
Leo: No. I even showed them proof that he was in the Nazi Army and was a member of the Hitler Youth Program. Yeah, maybe he went AWOL from the Nazi Army and was captured by the Allies and was a POW for the rest of the war. Maybe, the Hitler Youth Program was mandatory. But in my book, he wore the uniform and was in the Nazi Army.
Me: I think I see where you're going with this.
Leo: Yeah. He was a Nazi.
Me: So, he was a Nazi and then became Pope, does this mean all Catholics hate Jews. I think so. But then, everybody hates Jews. There is only one thing people hate almost as much as a Jew and that is a Polish person.
Leo: Ahh. Does that mean I suck almost as much as a Jew?
Me: Yeah, people hate you. But at least you can look down on the Jews. Poles are a step above the Jews, so you got that going for you. There is only one thing worse than a Pole or a Jew and that is a Polish Jew. That is one thing I would never want to be, especially during WWII. Even now, what could people hate worse.
Leo: You know, I have never seen or met a Polish Jew.
Me: Yeah, you can thank Hitler for that...............and the Pope.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Celebrity Answering Machine Messages
Kevin Federline
What up? K-Fed here. If this is about the ad in the Penny Saver, then this is your lucky day, ‘cuz the sex swing IS still available. It's in primo shape, too—hardly any skank stains on it at all. I'm only letting it go so cheap ‘cuz it's got a lot of bad memories for me and I want to make a clean break with the past, you know? So leave your name and the digits and I'll get back to you about it. I've also got some gravity boots and a gold-plated trailer hitch I could be persuaded to part with, if you're interested. I’m out.
Beep.
Kanye West
This is Kanye. Is this the Nobel Prize Committee? If not, why the fuck not? That chemistry prize is MINE, you dig? NOBODY deserves that motherfucker more than me. I am ALL OVER that chemistry shit. So y'all better get it together before I come on up to Sweden or wherever the fuck you're at and bust your stupid honky asses all over the snow, you feel me?
Beep.
Angelina Jolie's Son
Hello. My name's Maddox. I'm five years old. Will you help me? The balloon-lipped lady who calls herself my mommy is crazy. She told me that if I don't learn how to work with the camera soon, she'll give me to Pete Townshend and adopt another Cambodian baby to take my place. I don't want to go to Pete Townshend! Please help me!
Beep.
Courtney Love
Hello? Hello? FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL OF YOU, YOU FUCKERS! FUCK YOU AND—what's that, sweety? No, mommy's busy right now. Why? Mommy has to leave her message on the phone. So the fuckers will know what to do when they call and mommy's not home, that's why. Why do you have to ask so many fucking questions, anyway? I'm not Jesus. Now bring mommy her pills. I said NOW, you little shit!
Beep.
O.J. Simpson
Hey, this is O.J. Simpson. I'm not here right now, so leave a message. Seriously, I’m not here. Why would I lie? But if I WAS here, I'd probably be watching TV with my kids, Tubby and What's-Her-Face. But that's all hypothetical, you understand? So leave a message and I'll call you back.
Beep.
Wesley Snipes
This is Snipes. Gonna be outta the country for a little while. Could be a LONG while, actually. How long does that statute of limitations thing last, anyway? But hey, if this is urgent—say, you really need a brother who can sorta act, and can make that kung fu shit look half decent as long as there ain't no Asians on screen at the same time—try Mario Van Peebles. I don't know his number, but just stand on any street corner in Hollywood and holler his name. He'll hear you.
Beep.
What up? K-Fed here. If this is about the ad in the Penny Saver, then this is your lucky day, ‘cuz the sex swing IS still available. It's in primo shape, too—hardly any skank stains on it at all. I'm only letting it go so cheap ‘cuz it's got a lot of bad memories for me and I want to make a clean break with the past, you know? So leave your name and the digits and I'll get back to you about it. I've also got some gravity boots and a gold-plated trailer hitch I could be persuaded to part with, if you're interested. I’m out.
Beep.
Kanye West
This is Kanye. Is this the Nobel Prize Committee? If not, why the fuck not? That chemistry prize is MINE, you dig? NOBODY deserves that motherfucker more than me. I am ALL OVER that chemistry shit. So y'all better get it together before I come on up to Sweden or wherever the fuck you're at and bust your stupid honky asses all over the snow, you feel me?
Beep.
Angelina Jolie's Son
Hello. My name's Maddox. I'm five years old. Will you help me? The balloon-lipped lady who calls herself my mommy is crazy. She told me that if I don't learn how to work with the camera soon, she'll give me to Pete Townshend and adopt another Cambodian baby to take my place. I don't want to go to Pete Townshend! Please help me!
Beep.
Courtney Love
Hello? Hello? FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL OF YOU, YOU FUCKERS! FUCK YOU AND—what's that, sweety? No, mommy's busy right now. Why? Mommy has to leave her message on the phone. So the fuckers will know what to do when they call and mommy's not home, that's why. Why do you have to ask so many fucking questions, anyway? I'm not Jesus. Now bring mommy her pills. I said NOW, you little shit!
Beep.
O.J. Simpson
Hey, this is O.J. Simpson. I'm not here right now, so leave a message. Seriously, I’m not here. Why would I lie? But if I WAS here, I'd probably be watching TV with my kids, Tubby and What's-Her-Face. But that's all hypothetical, you understand? So leave a message and I'll call you back.
Beep.
Wesley Snipes
This is Snipes. Gonna be outta the country for a little while. Could be a LONG while, actually. How long does that statute of limitations thing last, anyway? But hey, if this is urgent—say, you really need a brother who can sorta act, and can make that kung fu shit look half decent as long as there ain't no Asians on screen at the same time—try Mario Van Peebles. I don't know his number, but just stand on any street corner in Hollywood and holler his name. He'll hear you.
Beep.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
John Kreese Eulogizes Mr. Miyagi
Before I start, I just want to thank Daniel for the kind words he just spoke. I think it's clear to everyone here that you cared a lot about Mr. Miyagi, Daniel. Like, a LOT. Hey, friends and family, quick show of hands: when you guys were in high school, how many of you were best friends with a septuagenarian war veteran? None? Yeah me neither. No, but seriously Daniel, you and Mr. Miyagi's friendship was beautiful in a completely non-creepy way.
By the way, I didn't see your wife walk into the church with you. She out parking the car? Oh, you're still single? Well, we're all very surprised.
Anyhow, I guess everyone's wondering why I showed up today. I'll admit it- Mr. Miyagi and I didn't always see eye to eye. Hell, he beat up a couple of Cobra Kai students one Halloween.
A quick aside here: now that enough time has passed to get a little perspective, Cobra Kai wasn't the friendliest name for a place of learning for young people, was it? I mean, for a business model based on the recruiting of children, Cobra Kai misses the mark by quite a large margin.
Oh well, live and learn.
Anyways, I always admired the fire in Miyagi's belly. Hell, if I hadn't respected the little prick so much, I probably wouldn't have spent the better part of my life laying out intricate plans to sabotage him and Daniel. Please don't misunderstand me here. By sabotage, I refer only to vandalism and intimidation.
Oh and murder. Yeah we tried to murder them both. A couple times actually. An amateur karate tournament was at stake, people!
Anyhow, that brings me to the reason I'm here today. Why we're all here. Mr. Miyagi is dead.
It's a lot like one of those Japanese proverbs he was always quoting. You can spend your whole life looking for something and realize it's right there under your nose the whole time. Well, I spent years trying to punch this little fucker's head through car windows and then a couple of days ago I wake up and in my lap is the very thing I was looking for all along: the ability to stand over Mr. Miyagi's lifeless body and laugh.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hey Miyagi: Cobra Kai never dies. You know what does die though? Slopes.
Hey, I've got an exercise for you Miyagi: BREATH IN, BREATH OUT! Not gonna be so good at that one anymore, are ya?
Just one last thing before I go: my new dojo will be opening Monday and offering free lessons for the first two weeks. You hear me LaRusso? I'm gonna open up dojo's all over the Valley! You don't stand a chance!
Valid point, I guess your having just turned 43 might disqualify you from competing in the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Well, maybe now that you aren't an old Japanese man's houseboy, the ladies might stop getting the "wrong idea." And when your ugly beard of a wife craps out a couple kids, rest assured that my students and I will be waiting.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Best Comic Book Movie: Top 5
This is what everyone has been waiting for, so here it is.
#5: Sin City
Sin City showed that if a comic is good enough, you really don't have to change anything about it. With that being said, not a whole lot was, it was as close as you could come to a living comic. First off, I loved the art style of Sin City and am a big fan of noir-type storytelling. Frank Miller is a genius and Robert Rodriguez is one of this generation's best directors. You could see that both really cared a lot about the subject matter and weren't out to make a quick buck.
Now on to the movie. Casting is super important to me and this movie has the best overall casting as everyone is believable in their roles. There's more than I can even name right now. The effects, I believe can stand the test of time, but it's the overall tone that people will always remember.
#4: Superman Returns
A lot of people may say "Hey, this movie sucked. There wasn't any action." Those people are idiots. Superman Returns wasn't suppose to be about action, but rather Superman and Lois Lane's reunion. It wouldn't make sense to re-introduce Superman and have him fighting the whole movie. Plus Superman doesn't have the strongest rouges gallery and that's because he's so powerful. I mean he has a zillion powers. So how do you make this into a good movie? You make Superman somewhat human and show his relationship with Lois being "complicated". And like Sin City, it has a somewhat "retro" feel to it.
The "human side" of Superman is what is really interesting. He's basically an alien in every sense of the word. He lives in a freaking Fortress of Solitude for crying out loud. He comes back and not only does the world seemingly not need him but the woman he loves is knocked up and seeing some other dude. These aren't conflicts that any other hero would be able to deal with. Bryan Singer understands this, I understand it, but there are douchbags out there was will never get it. Besides a good story can make you look past a lack of action.
#3: Batman Begins
I'll be the first to say that I never really cared for Batman. I refuse to read any of his comics and hated the first four Batman movies. But I loved Batman Begins. Why? The people behind the movie. Christopher Nolan is the only director that could do his movie. Christian Bale is totally believable as our title character, and Michael Caine is perfect as Alfred. This movie is an origin tale so it has to do a lot of set-up work, but it doesn't disappoint. Showing Bruce undergo ninja training was brilliant. That's what Batman is, not the campy "Bang!, Pow!, Punch!" fighter from the Adam West tv show.
The biggest improvement over all the Bat movies that came before wasn't that noticeable. The villains didn't overshadow Batman. Also they were believable and didn't run around delivering cheesy lines. My only real beef is the trend that started in the second movie, Batman Returns, that he has to fight two villains. Why throw it all into one movie? (Spider-Man 3) This movie actually left me, self-proclaimed "Batman Hater" wanting to see more.
#2: Spider-Man 2
Anyone who knows me, knows that I loves me some Spider-Man. I saw Spider-Man 2 in theaters a billion times. From start (with the Alex Ross art opening) to finish I watched this movie on the edge of my seat. It has everything you could possibly ask for in a superhero movie. I l especially loved watching Peter being repeatedly broken down, from losing his job, to seeing MJ move on to his boss's son of all people, to dealing with losing his powers when Doc Ock is out running amok. This movie has the best fighting scenes ever in any superhero movie.
What has always been the reason why I love Spider-Man is the fact that even though he has awesome powers, you can still identify with him. That's because Spider-Man is really about Peter Parker. He could be any one of us. This makes you feel what he is feeling more than any other hero. His relationship with MJ, you want him to pursue it but at the same time know why he feels he never can. The tension between he and Harry is something anyone who has ever tried to protect a friend can relate to. He knows Harry hates him for "killing" his father, but can't tell him that his father was the Green Goblin. His powers getting in the way of his school, not feeling appreciated; anybody who was ever a teenager understands these feelings.
There's so much of a connection with these characters that you are dying to see the next movie. My favorite scene in the whole movie is when MJ finally sees that Peter is really Spider-Man. You just know that she's gonna go back to him. But can it work?Who knows, but that look on her face in the final scene makes you wonder. The reveal with Harry in the end is perfect and really sets up where the next movie should have went more into. The perfect superhero movie but not the best...
#1: X2: X-Men United
After the first X-Men movie, I really felt like "they gotta step their game up" and X2 does. From the opening attack by Nightcrawler to the death everyone knew was coming, it goes from good comic book movie to great film. X2 sees the X-Men fighting one William Stryker, a man who wants nothing more than to see mutants wiped off the face of the earth. He has no superpowers but is the represents the perfect villain for the X-Men; the radical human that can't be reasoned with. A force so dangerous that the X-Men have to team up with Magneto, the anti-Charles Xavier.
The biggest draw about the X-Men is that they more than any other comic characters deal with discrimination and hatred just because they are different. Superman isn't human and deals with loneliness, but the general public doesn't hate and/or want to kill him. That what the X-Men go through everyday. There are so many great moments like Magneto's escape from his plastic prison, to Wolverine fighting off Stryker's men, but the best has no action. It's where Bobby tells his parents that he is in fact a mutant and their react how any real family would. This is the perfect example of how difficult it is "come out", if you will, to your family.
Another small, but great moment is the talk between Magneto and Pyro. Pyro is a confused young man and isn't sure if Xavier's dream is right. Any teenager can relate to questioning their parent's views on life. I especially like the fact that Magneto uses his powers to take Pyro's lighter, but after implanting a seed of doubt in Xavier's cause, reaches out and has Pyro take it out of his hand. The Wolverine-Lady Deathstrike fight was awesome but the subtle moments were the best. The ending set-up what should have been Singer's swan song, but never was. Bryan Singer made X2 into the best comic book movie and if you don't think having a passionate director who focuses on the small non-action moments as much as the huge fights is important, go watch X-Men: The Last Stand and get back to me.
#5: Sin City
Sin City showed that if a comic is good enough, you really don't have to change anything about it. With that being said, not a whole lot was, it was as close as you could come to a living comic. First off, I loved the art style of Sin City and am a big fan of noir-type storytelling. Frank Miller is a genius and Robert Rodriguez is one of this generation's best directors. You could see that both really cared a lot about the subject matter and weren't out to make a quick buck.
Now on to the movie. Casting is super important to me and this movie has the best overall casting as everyone is believable in their roles. There's more than I can even name right now. The effects, I believe can stand the test of time, but it's the overall tone that people will always remember.
#4: Superman Returns
A lot of people may say "Hey, this movie sucked. There wasn't any action." Those people are idiots. Superman Returns wasn't suppose to be about action, but rather Superman and Lois Lane's reunion. It wouldn't make sense to re-introduce Superman and have him fighting the whole movie. Plus Superman doesn't have the strongest rouges gallery and that's because he's so powerful. I mean he has a zillion powers. So how do you make this into a good movie? You make Superman somewhat human and show his relationship with Lois being "complicated". And like Sin City, it has a somewhat "retro" feel to it.
The "human side" of Superman is what is really interesting. He's basically an alien in every sense of the word. He lives in a freaking Fortress of Solitude for crying out loud. He comes back and not only does the world seemingly not need him but the woman he loves is knocked up and seeing some other dude. These aren't conflicts that any other hero would be able to deal with. Bryan Singer understands this, I understand it, but there are douchbags out there was will never get it. Besides a good story can make you look past a lack of action.
#3: Batman Begins
I'll be the first to say that I never really cared for Batman. I refuse to read any of his comics and hated the first four Batman movies. But I loved Batman Begins. Why? The people behind the movie. Christopher Nolan is the only director that could do his movie. Christian Bale is totally believable as our title character, and Michael Caine is perfect as Alfred. This movie is an origin tale so it has to do a lot of set-up work, but it doesn't disappoint. Showing Bruce undergo ninja training was brilliant. That's what Batman is, not the campy "Bang!, Pow!, Punch!" fighter from the Adam West tv show.
The biggest improvement over all the Bat movies that came before wasn't that noticeable. The villains didn't overshadow Batman. Also they were believable and didn't run around delivering cheesy lines. My only real beef is the trend that started in the second movie, Batman Returns, that he has to fight two villains. Why throw it all into one movie? (Spider-Man 3) This movie actually left me, self-proclaimed "Batman Hater" wanting to see more.
#2: Spider-Man 2
Anyone who knows me, knows that I loves me some Spider-Man. I saw Spider-Man 2 in theaters a billion times. From start (with the Alex Ross art opening) to finish I watched this movie on the edge of my seat. It has everything you could possibly ask for in a superhero movie. I l especially loved watching Peter being repeatedly broken down, from losing his job, to seeing MJ move on to his boss's son of all people, to dealing with losing his powers when Doc Ock is out running amok. This movie has the best fighting scenes ever in any superhero movie.
What has always been the reason why I love Spider-Man is the fact that even though he has awesome powers, you can still identify with him. That's because Spider-Man is really about Peter Parker. He could be any one of us. This makes you feel what he is feeling more than any other hero. His relationship with MJ, you want him to pursue it but at the same time know why he feels he never can. The tension between he and Harry is something anyone who has ever tried to protect a friend can relate to. He knows Harry hates him for "killing" his father, but can't tell him that his father was the Green Goblin. His powers getting in the way of his school, not feeling appreciated; anybody who was ever a teenager understands these feelings.
There's so much of a connection with these characters that you are dying to see the next movie. My favorite scene in the whole movie is when MJ finally sees that Peter is really Spider-Man. You just know that she's gonna go back to him. But can it work?Who knows, but that look on her face in the final scene makes you wonder. The reveal with Harry in the end is perfect and really sets up where the next movie should have went more into. The perfect superhero movie but not the best...
#1: X2: X-Men United
After the first X-Men movie, I really felt like "they gotta step their game up" and X2 does. From the opening attack by Nightcrawler to the death everyone knew was coming, it goes from good comic book movie to great film. X2 sees the X-Men fighting one William Stryker, a man who wants nothing more than to see mutants wiped off the face of the earth. He has no superpowers but is the represents the perfect villain for the X-Men; the radical human that can't be reasoned with. A force so dangerous that the X-Men have to team up with Magneto, the anti-Charles Xavier.
The biggest draw about the X-Men is that they more than any other comic characters deal with discrimination and hatred just because they are different. Superman isn't human and deals with loneliness, but the general public doesn't hate and/or want to kill him. That what the X-Men go through everyday. There are so many great moments like Magneto's escape from his plastic prison, to Wolverine fighting off Stryker's men, but the best has no action. It's where Bobby tells his parents that he is in fact a mutant and their react how any real family would. This is the perfect example of how difficult it is "come out", if you will, to your family.
Another small, but great moment is the talk between Magneto and Pyro. Pyro is a confused young man and isn't sure if Xavier's dream is right. Any teenager can relate to questioning their parent's views on life. I especially like the fact that Magneto uses his powers to take Pyro's lighter, but after implanting a seed of doubt in Xavier's cause, reaches out and has Pyro take it out of his hand. The Wolverine-Lady Deathstrike fight was awesome but the subtle moments were the best. The ending set-up what should have been Singer's swan song, but never was. Bryan Singer made X2 into the best comic book movie and if you don't think having a passionate director who focuses on the small non-action moments as much as the huge fights is important, go watch X-Men: The Last Stand and get back to me.
Random Happenings That Are Dangerous And Mirthsome!!
I saw a dead chicken on the side of the road when I was driving to work this morning. Not a quiet, country road where you might expect there to be chickens nearby. I've never seen a dead chicken on the side of the road so I assume that, contrary to what I'd heard in jokes, chickens don't actually cross roads very often. So I started thinking about why the chicken was trying to cross the road. Had the chicken crossed other, lesser roads or did it decide to go for the gusto right from the start? Was it making some sort of statement? Did it just want to get to the other side? Is it ironic that, when the chicken actually tried to cross the road, it didn't make it? If so, what kind of irony is it -- verbal, dramatic or situational? Have other chickens been crossing roads without me knowing about it? Is there some sort of chickens-crossing-road movement that I need to know about or is this an isolated incident?
A zany food related mirthsome incident occurred when I went to the cafe for my lunch break one day. I asked for a latte and a steak melt panini. The lady shouted my order into the kitchen, referring to it as simply a 'steak melt'. I've never been so embarassed. It was then obvious to me that the only filled baked goods they SERVED were paninis, and I didn't have to say 'panini' at all when I made my order. She must've thought I was a total cunt. I spent the rest of the day under my desk, cradling my lunch and weeping uncontrollably.
This one time we were going to visit the sweet old people in the Jewish retirement home, but instead of my boy scout uniform I accidentally wore my SS uniform. Ha, silly me.
This one time I was in Sarajevo, and I saw the Archduke and his wife driving past in a car, so I thought I'd go out and shake his hand, except, get this, I forgot I was holding a pistol and I accidentally shot and killed them both! There ended up being a bit of trouble over that, so yeah, not exactly my finest hour. I felt a fool.
Today, I accidentally gave a homeless person some change.
When I was ten I had to pee so I walked to the garbage can in our kitchen and started peeing in it. This seemed totally normal to me for a few seconds before something in my mind clicked and I was like "Hey, wait a minute..."
One time this little black kid called me a jigaboo. It was the funniest day of my life.
Do blind people feel love at first sight? No. Blind people can't see. I hope this answers your question.
The internet; where men are men, women are men, and little girls are FBI agents.
Love at first sight. Why, it happens all the time! Imagine this: You, the moon, the empty street. An angel standing by an empty bus stop. Your eyes meet once. Then again. You smile, and she responds. The way she leans next to the wall, her sheepish smile. It drives you insane. You walk towards her as she smiles. You quicken your pace, and pretty soon your running at full gait. She shoots off a look of concern, but it's too late! She's yours. Yours forever. Yours as you reach for her neck. Yours as her muffled screams make your heart flutter. Yours as you dispose of her body in the sewer 20 minutes later. Ahhh, amour. Such a fleeting thing!
In the wasteland, it would seem, hardass homosexuals overtake the Earth – until they get their shit wrecked by Mad Max, anyway.
Everyone's been saying that global warming is to blame for all these hurricanes we've had lately, and maybe we need to start respecting the earth more. But how about we just kill all these butterflies? Or at least stop them from flapping their goddamn wings all the time.
I've always thought it was interesting how different societal expectations on what is and is not acceptable to wear in public can affect whether someone feels fine wearing certain clothes but embarassed when wearing essentially the same amount of clothing, just for a different use. For example a girl may not feel embarrassed at all if I see her in a bikini, but is all screams and pepper spray when I spring out of her closet when she's in bra and panties.
I bet that snapping someone's neck like Solid Snake is a lot like learning how to drive stick, in that it's pretty tough to pick up at first, but once you get the basic idea you want to practice all the time so that you get really good at it.
I wonder if water is odorless and tasteless to all animals, or only us. I bet other animals can taste it, and for horses, water probably tastes like root beer. That must be awesome.
I went to the Downtown Library last week. In an age of internet connectivity, declining literacy rates and rampant addiction to synthetic drugs- I was curious as to who was actually using the library for what.... so I asked everyone I saw there and the most common answer I got was, " Give me your wallet or I'll fuckin' kill you."
I wish that, instead of getting punished for all the people I did kill, I was rewarded for all the people I didn't kill, which happens to be a much bigger number, for now.
When the flight attendant asks me if I want anything and I say "oral sex", why do they get so bent out of shape? I assumed, as any normal person would, that the words 'business class' implied suave professionalism.
The best use of a potato is as a projectile, wielded with deadly accuracy. You can teach someone a valuable lesson about a) your dead-on aim and b) the amazing usefulness of potatoes. Plus, you can wash them off and eat them! You can't eat bullets.
Someone gave a speech on violence in video games. Oh, look at all the statistics you're showing. Wow, 43% of all video games are action and violence based. I should fucking hope so.
When someone is killed, people often buy flowers and place them at the site of the death or the gravesite. So how many of these deaths are actually caused by the flower companies to make profits? Some? Most? All? Or more?
Unicorns have horns, unicorns are white, I've never seen a unicorn that wasn't white. Unicorns are racist. It's a fact.
So look, maybe things have gotten a little out of hand here, and it certainly wasn't my intention to engage in a silly spat of name-calling just to be confrontational or what have you. Instead, and if you've followed along thus far then please believe me when I say this: I sincerely, maturely, and on rational objective grounds, find you to be a mothercuntpunching horror of an overflowing diaper whose ability to avoid getting stabbed in the ass and throat and eyes by everyone who knows him has me, frankly, in a sort of religious awe.
A zany food related mirthsome incident occurred when I went to the cafe for my lunch break one day. I asked for a latte and a steak melt panini. The lady shouted my order into the kitchen, referring to it as simply a 'steak melt'. I've never been so embarassed. It was then obvious to me that the only filled baked goods they SERVED were paninis, and I didn't have to say 'panini' at all when I made my order. She must've thought I was a total cunt. I spent the rest of the day under my desk, cradling my lunch and weeping uncontrollably.
This one time we were going to visit the sweet old people in the Jewish retirement home, but instead of my boy scout uniform I accidentally wore my SS uniform. Ha, silly me.
This one time I was in Sarajevo, and I saw the Archduke and his wife driving past in a car, so I thought I'd go out and shake his hand, except, get this, I forgot I was holding a pistol and I accidentally shot and killed them both! There ended up being a bit of trouble over that, so yeah, not exactly my finest hour. I felt a fool.
Today, I accidentally gave a homeless person some change.
When I was ten I had to pee so I walked to the garbage can in our kitchen and started peeing in it. This seemed totally normal to me for a few seconds before something in my mind clicked and I was like "Hey, wait a minute..."
One time this little black kid called me a jigaboo. It was the funniest day of my life.
Do blind people feel love at first sight? No. Blind people can't see. I hope this answers your question.
The internet; where men are men, women are men, and little girls are FBI agents.
Love at first sight. Why, it happens all the time! Imagine this: You, the moon, the empty street. An angel standing by an empty bus stop. Your eyes meet once. Then again. You smile, and she responds. The way she leans next to the wall, her sheepish smile. It drives you insane. You walk towards her as she smiles. You quicken your pace, and pretty soon your running at full gait. She shoots off a look of concern, but it's too late! She's yours. Yours forever. Yours as you reach for her neck. Yours as her muffled screams make your heart flutter. Yours as you dispose of her body in the sewer 20 minutes later. Ahhh, amour. Such a fleeting thing!
In the wasteland, it would seem, hardass homosexuals overtake the Earth – until they get their shit wrecked by Mad Max, anyway.
Everyone's been saying that global warming is to blame for all these hurricanes we've had lately, and maybe we need to start respecting the earth more. But how about we just kill all these butterflies? Or at least stop them from flapping their goddamn wings all the time.
I've always thought it was interesting how different societal expectations on what is and is not acceptable to wear in public can affect whether someone feels fine wearing certain clothes but embarassed when wearing essentially the same amount of clothing, just for a different use. For example a girl may not feel embarrassed at all if I see her in a bikini, but is all screams and pepper spray when I spring out of her closet when she's in bra and panties.
I bet that snapping someone's neck like Solid Snake is a lot like learning how to drive stick, in that it's pretty tough to pick up at first, but once you get the basic idea you want to practice all the time so that you get really good at it.
I wonder if water is odorless and tasteless to all animals, or only us. I bet other animals can taste it, and for horses, water probably tastes like root beer. That must be awesome.
I went to the Downtown Library last week. In an age of internet connectivity, declining literacy rates and rampant addiction to synthetic drugs- I was curious as to who was actually using the library for what.... so I asked everyone I saw there and the most common answer I got was, " Give me your wallet or I'll fuckin' kill you."
I wish that, instead of getting punished for all the people I did kill, I was rewarded for all the people I didn't kill, which happens to be a much bigger number, for now.
When the flight attendant asks me if I want anything and I say "oral sex", why do they get so bent out of shape? I assumed, as any normal person would, that the words 'business class' implied suave professionalism.
The best use of a potato is as a projectile, wielded with deadly accuracy. You can teach someone a valuable lesson about a) your dead-on aim and b) the amazing usefulness of potatoes. Plus, you can wash them off and eat them! You can't eat bullets.
Someone gave a speech on violence in video games. Oh, look at all the statistics you're showing. Wow, 43% of all video games are action and violence based. I should fucking hope so.
When someone is killed, people often buy flowers and place them at the site of the death or the gravesite. So how many of these deaths are actually caused by the flower companies to make profits? Some? Most? All? Or more?
Unicorns have horns, unicorns are white, I've never seen a unicorn that wasn't white. Unicorns are racist. It's a fact.
So look, maybe things have gotten a little out of hand here, and it certainly wasn't my intention to engage in a silly spat of name-calling just to be confrontational or what have you. Instead, and if you've followed along thus far then please believe me when I say this: I sincerely, maturely, and on rational objective grounds, find you to be a mothercuntpunching horror of an overflowing diaper whose ability to avoid getting stabbed in the ass and throat and eyes by everyone who knows him has me, frankly, in a sort of religious awe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
