Some Super Hero Truths!

Have you ever noticed how you never see Batman and billionaire socialite Bruce Wayne together? Now you may brush this off as meaningless since the two have no reason to even know one another, but there have been many reported instances where Bruce Wayne mysteriously disappeared just moments before Batman showed up on the scene. Is this coincidence, or is this simply undeniable evidence of THE TRUTH--

Bruce Wayne is avoiding Batman!

What kind of white collar crimes is Wayne Enterprises involved in? What does its chairman have to hide? And why have so many gadgets gone missing from its tech department? To which country is Wayne selling these weapons? And what does this have to do with 9/11?

Don't let yourself be blinded by the glitz! Don't let your voices be silenced! Seek the truth! Speak the truth!

TRUTH!

Well, do you think that it could be that Bruce Wayne is Batman?

Nah, that's ridiculous. What am I talking about?

The TRUTH is that Bruce Wayne is a Nazi. He amassed his fortune by stealing from the millions of Jewish people that died during the holocaust. He tried to hide his Swedish ancestry by changing his name (originally Bruch Vanyegaz)

Batman is a a reputed Nazi-Hunter (As comic #4560, Don't Jew dare!, pub 1972) and if he were to find out Wayne's ties to the Nazi party he would quickly kidnap Bruce Wayne and ship him off to Israel for a war crimes tribunal.

It also occurs to me that not many people hang around when Batman shows up. Would it be unreasonable for me to suggest that Bruce Wayne simply wants to avoid bodily harm and so flees at the first sign of danger, before Batman arrives. I mean he's just a rich playboy, he has no business getting mixed up in the criminal. Just because these two aren't seen together is no reason to start coming up with bizarre rumors and speculation.


I'm more concerned with that Clark Kent guy who works at the Daily Planet.

He must work out quite a lot, but you never see him in the gym. In fact, when Superman appears Clark conveniently disappears, which is strange, because if Clark took off his glasses....

....Hold on a sec....That's it!

Clark is a distant relative of Superman and disappears to use his journalistic insider info to contact Superman and have him appear in a split second! Clark Kent is always seen fleeing from trouble, no wonder Lois Lane has the hots for Superman instead.

Also, I know this guy called Peter, who lives with his aunt in a tiny apartment in New York. What a sad fuck.

Super-Thoughts

When Clark Kent gets dressed in the morning to go to work at the Daily Planet, in his suit and tie, where does tuck his cape? We all know that he wears his Superman costume under his suit, but where and how could he possibly tuck in that long ass cape? And how come NO ONE can tell that Clark Kent is Superman? They look exactly alike except Clark has glasses. He works around a shitload of reporters and NO ONE can see that they're the same person?

Why is it no matter what Bruce Banner (the Hulk) has on- suit, scrubs, dockers, whatever, it always turns into purple cut-offs? Every single time.

Who the hell thought that "the Thing" was a cool super-hero name? Let's recap: Mr. Fantastic (totally vain but kinda cool name), Invisible Woman (not bad), Human Torch (freaking awesome) and then "the Thing". Fucking c'mon! It's the Fantastic Four, not the "Three Cool People with the Cool Sounding names and that one rock dude". Why couldn't his name be "Rockslide" or something? That's pretty gangster. But no, they had to go and call him "the Thing". Gay.

Do the members of the Justice League ever make fun of Batman behind his back for not having any superpowers? Let's face it; he's pretty much a police officer in tights. Even Aquaman can talk to fish. Lame and useless, but a superpower. What? Batman is super smart? I'm sure that doesn't impress motherfuckahs that can FLY and SHOOT LASERS OUT OF THEIR EYES and or talk to fish.

Why is Spider-Man so awesome? But his aunt May, what is she like 800 years old? In the old original comics she was pretty old when he was a teenager (like 15) and now he's gotta be in his late 20s maybe early 30s. What the hell? I mean in almost every one of the old issues she was about to die if she didn't get some heart medicine and shit and now she's the picture of perfect health.

What lazy ass came up with the "invisible jet" that Wonder Woman supposedly has? Why not just say "Ok she can fly"? This invisible jet raises more unanswered questions. Like "how many people can it sit comfortably?", "where does she get jet fuel?" and "why is everything inside it invisible EXCEPT her?".

Why do people embrace heroes like the Fantastic Four and hate heroes like the X-Men? How do people know that the Fantastic Four aren't mutants? Or that the X-Men didn't just get their powers from some cosmic radiation?

Does the Flash have sex at supersonic speeds? If so, how could he ever expect to please any woman if he comes too soon?

Why did the Daredevil movie suck so much? I mean, it' s pretty horrible. Daredevil's a pretty interesting character, so why make such a sucky movie? Thank God, he'll never have watch it (he's blind and not real).