How Movie Awards Take Place Before Editing!

• Host

Now for Best Actor, here to present the award is Tom Selleck and Billy Zane.

• Visual

Tom and Billy proceed onto the stage. Billy walks on stage calm and collected and cool as usual, because Billy Zane is a cool dude. Tom walks on stage like the actor he is, lost and confused.

• Crowd

Yeahhhh! Yeahhhh! Billy you are the man! Yeah, go Billy!!

• Crowd

Who the fuck is Tom Selleck?!!!

• Billy Zane

Wow, this crowd is great!! They are something aren't they Tom?!

• Tom Selleck

Huh??? Oh, I guess........................Why am I here?

• Billy Zane

Yeah? Anyway, here's the nominees...

• Announcer

Number 1: Billy Bob Thornton in "The Life Of A Sellout"

Visual: Camera shows Billy Bob Thornton scratch his ass and then smell his fingers. When he realizes the camera is on him he pulls out a Saltine and starts eating it.

Number 2: Vince Vaugn in "People Who Can't Act, But Get Paid To"

Visual: Camera shows Vince Vaugn take a drink of some unknown liquid, he then vomits into the cup and continues drinking.

Number 3: Tom Cruise in "Endless Series Of Worthlessness"

Visual: Camera shows Tom Cruise pull out a picture of himself out of his wallet, he then reaches into his pants and begins building a complete replica of the White House out of pocket lint or masturbating.

Number 4: Tim Robbins in "The Guy That Everyone Sees In Movies, But Can't Name"

Visual: Camera Shows Tim Robbins turn to the person next to him and say, "Hi, I'm Tim Robbins. I was in Top Gun." Person answers, "You were in Top Gun?....Are you Tom Cruise?" Camera slowly pans down and slowly pans back and forth as if the camera itself knows how sad it can be.

Number 5: Brad Pitt in "I Fucked Jennifer Aniston & Angelina Jolie, Who Wants To Suck My Dick"

Visual: Camera shows Brad Pitt looking in his pants and you can read his lips. "Hello beautiful! How are you doing? Wait...........What The Fuck Is That!!!!! Oh...Those are just my Balls."

• Visual

Tom Selleck still lost and confused has walked offstage into the musician pit and has ruptured his spleen.

• Billy Zane

The award for Best Actor goes to:

Vince Vaugn in "People Who Can't Act, But Get Paid To"

• Visual

Camera follows Vince Vaugn as he attempts to make his way to the stage. He stumbles onto Jack Black and begins caressing his man titties. He then remembers where he is and continues to the stage. Meanwhile, Tom Selleck has managed to crawl back onto the stage and take his place at the podium with Billy Zane. Vince stumbles onto the stage and falls down. He tries to get up and falls again. Grabs onto Tom's leg and manages to pull himself up just in time to vomit all over Tom and piss all over his pants and the stage. Vince manages to not realize there is now piss on the stage and slips and falls while vomiting again. Laying in his own filth, Vince reaches for the award and subsequently drowns on his vomit and piss. Casually, Billy Zane places the award in his hand without touching the waste on the stage. With the composure of a supremely talented man, Billy walks off into the sunset. To do what only cool guys do so well. Not be gay fucks like everyone else.

Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He's a cool dude.