I remember the first day of history class in fourth grade, when I opened my book only to be informed by the book' previous owner that I was a Trifagatops. It was around this time that I learned not to trust what was written in books (the Trifagatops was extinct by the end of the Jurassic period). But after an embarrassing incident a couple of weeks ago (I seem to have implied that we won the Vietnam War, that Vietnam is in Australia and that the Vietnamese people lack reproductive organs), I decided it was time to brush up on my history. So I went back to that fourth grade history book, and with the benefit of age and wisdom found myself able to comprehend over half of it. Based on the lessons I learned, I think you'll agree with me that history can teach us a lot about the world we live in today.
Current Issue: The seemingly endless war in Iraq
Historical Precedent: World War II
Solution to Current Issue: Drop an atomic bomb on a Japanese city
Explanation: Harry Truman made a tough decision to bomb a Japanese city as a means to end the war and then a second Japanese city really for no reason at all. Now, blowing up that second city is where I got the idea we need to savagely bomb a random Japanese city to bring about the end of the Iraq war. I'm not saying that violence will solve all of our problems. But I am saying that violence-especially if it's senseless, gratuitous and directed against Japanese people-has historically worked every single time it's been used.
Current Issue: Obesity Epidemic
Historical Precedent: Back when only the rich were fat
Solution to Current Issue: Bring back top hats
Explanation: When top hats were in style, only the rich people wore them, and all the rich people were fat. See where I'm going with this? What we should do is put little top hats in happy meals. Get our children to develop good habits early. See what I mean?
Current Issue: Tensions with North Korea
Historical Precedent: Tensions with the Soviet Union
Solution to Current Issue: Go to the moon
Explanation: One small step for man, one giant up yours to the Soviet Union. That's what my biking pal Lance Armstrong said to the Ruskies back in '74 when he was the first man to walk on the moon. So, I think it's not unfair to say that when the North Koreans see our new moon base they'll go democrazy! And don't try to tell me they have no contact with the outside world-everybody can see the moon.
Current Issue: Immigrants taking over American jobs
Historical Precedent: Slavery
Solution to Current Issue: Set the immigrants free
Explanation: It's simple. Americans complain their jobs are going to immigrants who work for less. I say we just set 'em free. We got this one little feller' Guadalupe, that we keep at the ranch down in Crawford. He has dreams to one day be allowed in the house and earn a larger cage for he and his family to sleep in. Well, the moment the slaves were emancipated, all of their problems went away and they started being rich doctors with children named Rudy and Theo, and the rest of us Americans were able to go back to our regular jobs. Why should it be any different now?
Current Issue: Not enough medication in case of an Avian Flu outbreak
Historical Precedent: Regular flu I used to get when I was little
Solution to Current Issue: Chicken soup
Explanation: Works every time.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Anti-Christ
So it has come to my attention, and I don't know why I didn't realize this before, but Bill and Ted are The Anti-Christ. Hear me out now. If you have seen the Bill and Ted movies, you know that in the future they will bring about One World Peace and Government. Hmmm, sounds an awful lot like what that one books says... Oh yeah, The Bible. So in the future, Wyld Stallyons in all actuality will bring about the end of the world. I wonder why they didn't show that in the movies. They sure hid that fact well by having the Anti-Christ played by two inept, retarded (although hilarious) surfers kids. So that whole thing about the Wyld Stallyons saving the future and mankind is one big lie.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Did You Know.........
After extensive research, I have uncovered the truth. In the early 1950's, the US Government did an extensive experiment involving all races, religions, and sexes. This experiment consisted of endless rigorous water exercises.
What exactly prompted this research into these experiments you ask. When I was in Boot Camp, while treading water for 5 minutes(that's the required time), I happened to notice that there were some bleachers. Upon the bleachers, sat the people that supposedly didn't know how to swim. As if, they were on a ship and it sank, they wouldn't have to worry about it. They don't know how to swim so God in his extreme benevolence would bestow upon them a set of bleachers that would miraculously float above the water. Unfortunately, if you knew how to swim you would be forced to swim and possibly drowned. How unfortunate for you that you learned how to swim at a young age. It was impossible for anyone who knew how to swim to attain the bleachers. The bleacher phenomenon was proven during the Government testing and there is no other explanation than God will save those who can't swim and smite those who do.
So, while treading water it came to mind that 5 minutes wasn't that long and how come it was only 5 minutes. Well I soon found out. After experiencing first hand and then confirming my suspicions during my research, it came to be known that black people can't tread water for more than 5 minutes(the few who actually know how to swim). It's true, I don't know why, it's just the way it is. For those few black people who God granted the ability to swim, he gave them the handicap of 5 minutes total. He also gave them the ability to repel water. Have you ever seen a black person get out of the water? The water just beads and falls right off of them.
Well, during the Government experiment it was discovered that after the 5 minutes were up and the black people who weren't on the bleachers had drowned, it was possible for those still alive to lash all their bodies together and make a raft. This raft worked extremely well. Since the bodies of the black people physically repelled the water, the raft became in all actuality a hover craft that the survivors could climb upon and ride to safety.
There was also no fear of the raft being attacked and eaten by sharks since the meat of a black person is the most unsatisfactory meal of all time.....trust me....I know.
Now, black people are not the only people afflicted with certain swimming stigmas. Mexicans also have to deal with adversity when it comes to water. There is only one way for a Mexican person to swim in the water. They must swim while floating on their back, hence the term Wet Back. It was discovered during the testing that if a Mexican were to turn over from floating on their back while in the water, they would sink like a stone.
Not only was this a problem for the Mexicans, it was also a problem for the Border Patrol. With all the Mexicans crossing the Rio Grande, some were bound to turn over, sink and drown. The problem with this, is the fact that once they sank, their skin blended into the silt and mud on the bottom of the river and their was no way to recover the body. So over time, the bottom of the Rio Grande got higher and higher until there was no need for the illegals to even swim across the river anymore. They could just walk across on the wet backs of their deceased bretheren.
Asians were in the same boat as white people. They just had to wait 5 minutes or wait for all the Mexicans to roll over. However, many an Asian was sacraficed to the sharks. This had to do with the fact that sharks also love Asian food, just like everyone else. Also, no matter how much you eat within minutes you are hungry again, so the sharks would continuously come back for more and more Asian.
Although, if you want to think about it. It is worth saying that black people are the smarter persons since they tend to not learn how to swim, all they have to do is sit on the bleachers and then there is no fear of drowning.
It should be pointed out that religion has nothing to do with surviving in the water and women still can't do anything better than men.
What exactly prompted this research into these experiments you ask. When I was in Boot Camp, while treading water for 5 minutes(that's the required time), I happened to notice that there were some bleachers. Upon the bleachers, sat the people that supposedly didn't know how to swim. As if, they were on a ship and it sank, they wouldn't have to worry about it. They don't know how to swim so God in his extreme benevolence would bestow upon them a set of bleachers that would miraculously float above the water. Unfortunately, if you knew how to swim you would be forced to swim and possibly drowned. How unfortunate for you that you learned how to swim at a young age. It was impossible for anyone who knew how to swim to attain the bleachers. The bleacher phenomenon was proven during the Government testing and there is no other explanation than God will save those who can't swim and smite those who do.
So, while treading water it came to mind that 5 minutes wasn't that long and how come it was only 5 minutes. Well I soon found out. After experiencing first hand and then confirming my suspicions during my research, it came to be known that black people can't tread water for more than 5 minutes(the few who actually know how to swim). It's true, I don't know why, it's just the way it is. For those few black people who God granted the ability to swim, he gave them the handicap of 5 minutes total. He also gave them the ability to repel water. Have you ever seen a black person get out of the water? The water just beads and falls right off of them.
Well, during the Government experiment it was discovered that after the 5 minutes were up and the black people who weren't on the bleachers had drowned, it was possible for those still alive to lash all their bodies together and make a raft. This raft worked extremely well. Since the bodies of the black people physically repelled the water, the raft became in all actuality a hover craft that the survivors could climb upon and ride to safety.
There was also no fear of the raft being attacked and eaten by sharks since the meat of a black person is the most unsatisfactory meal of all time.....trust me....I know.
Now, black people are not the only people afflicted with certain swimming stigmas. Mexicans also have to deal with adversity when it comes to water. There is only one way for a Mexican person to swim in the water. They must swim while floating on their back, hence the term Wet Back. It was discovered during the testing that if a Mexican were to turn over from floating on their back while in the water, they would sink like a stone.
Not only was this a problem for the Mexicans, it was also a problem for the Border Patrol. With all the Mexicans crossing the Rio Grande, some were bound to turn over, sink and drown. The problem with this, is the fact that once they sank, their skin blended into the silt and mud on the bottom of the river and their was no way to recover the body. So over time, the bottom of the Rio Grande got higher and higher until there was no need for the illegals to even swim across the river anymore. They could just walk across on the wet backs of their deceased bretheren.
Asians were in the same boat as white people. They just had to wait 5 minutes or wait for all the Mexicans to roll over. However, many an Asian was sacraficed to the sharks. This had to do with the fact that sharks also love Asian food, just like everyone else. Also, no matter how much you eat within minutes you are hungry again, so the sharks would continuously come back for more and more Asian.
Although, if you want to think about it. It is worth saying that black people are the smarter persons since they tend to not learn how to swim, all they have to do is sit on the bleachers and then there is no fear of drowning.
It should be pointed out that religion has nothing to do with surviving in the water and women still can't do anything better than men.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Transcript: Bush Declares War On Mother Nature
Discovered recently are many letters and speeches, written by our esteemed and Level 35 Wizard President. Though as I release them you will come to realize why these never reached the public. Some are too much for some people to handle, or maybe just to stupid. Read on and find out for yourself. This is the Second in the series.
My fellow Americans: A while ago we were attacked by a faceless coward, Mother Nature. We have mourned for those who lost their second homes, for the children who will never know Mardi Gras as I did. Now our grief is turning to anger, and in the midst of our blinding rage, we will make many important decisions.
The only explanation for this act of eco-terrorism is that Mother Nature hates freedom. Much like the war on terror, our war on the environment has nothing to do with combustible fossil fuels. A century of unrestrained growth from western capitalists would not drive anything or anyone to these unspeakable acts against some truly beautiful homes and centers of high finance. Katrina attacked us because in our country we are free to drive SUVs.
Our war on the environment will be fought on two fronts. Physically, with our hands, we will continue to poison the very air we breathe. We will encourage even more corporations to dump toxic waste into our rivers. America will continue to lead the world in global pollution. At home, we will cut funding for hydrogen-powered energy. We will increase our censorship of the Weather Channel, and burn all books related to global warning. Except for that one by Michael Crichton. He's a smart man. He invented Jurassic Park and ER.
Over the last few weeks, we have shown the world what America is capable of. Mother Nature would have you believe that we're a nation of inept bureaucrats, racist journalists and apathetic politicians. I'm proud to say that I tend not to focus on those things.
Like the attacks of September 11, 2001, there is no way we could have seen Hurricane Katrina coming. But just like our invasion of Iraq, we have a plan to clean up the mess this terrorist has made.
I'm gonna go ahead here and close with an ole saying by FDR:
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And, now, apparently, the weather. And Arabs, of course. And, should they turn fanatical, weather-controlling Arab medicine men. Bastards. Thank you, and God bless the half of America that doesn't read."
My fellow Americans: A while ago we were attacked by a faceless coward, Mother Nature. We have mourned for those who lost their second homes, for the children who will never know Mardi Gras as I did. Now our grief is turning to anger, and in the midst of our blinding rage, we will make many important decisions.
The only explanation for this act of eco-terrorism is that Mother Nature hates freedom. Much like the war on terror, our war on the environment has nothing to do with combustible fossil fuels. A century of unrestrained growth from western capitalists would not drive anything or anyone to these unspeakable acts against some truly beautiful homes and centers of high finance. Katrina attacked us because in our country we are free to drive SUVs.
Our war on the environment will be fought on two fronts. Physically, with our hands, we will continue to poison the very air we breathe. We will encourage even more corporations to dump toxic waste into our rivers. America will continue to lead the world in global pollution. At home, we will cut funding for hydrogen-powered energy. We will increase our censorship of the Weather Channel, and burn all books related to global warning. Except for that one by Michael Crichton. He's a smart man. He invented Jurassic Park and ER.
Over the last few weeks, we have shown the world what America is capable of. Mother Nature would have you believe that we're a nation of inept bureaucrats, racist journalists and apathetic politicians. I'm proud to say that I tend not to focus on those things.
Like the attacks of September 11, 2001, there is no way we could have seen Hurricane Katrina coming. But just like our invasion of Iraq, we have a plan to clean up the mess this terrorist has made.
I'm gonna go ahead here and close with an ole saying by FDR:
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And, now, apparently, the weather. And Arabs, of course. And, should they turn fanatical, weather-controlling Arab medicine men. Bastards. Thank you, and God bless the half of America that doesn't read."
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Pope Declares War On The Jews
Conversation a friend and I had on the way to work.
Leo: The Pope's a Nazi. I was trying to prove to people at work yesterday that the Pope, used to be a Nazi.
Me: They didn't believe you?
Leo: No. I even showed them proof that he was in the Nazi Army and was a member of the Hitler Youth Program. Yeah, maybe he went AWOL from the Nazi Army and was captured by the Allies and was a POW for the rest of the war. Maybe, the Hitler Youth Program was mandatory. But in my book, he wore the uniform and was in the Nazi Army.
Me: I think I see where you're going with this.
Leo: Yeah. He was a Nazi.
Me: So, he was a Nazi and then became Pope, does this mean all Catholics hate Jews. I think so. But then, everybody hates Jews. There is only one thing people hate almost as much as a Jew and that is a Polish person.
Leo: Ahh. Does that mean I suck almost as much as a Jew?
Me: Yeah, people hate you. But at least you can look down on the Jews. Poles are a step above the Jews, so you got that going for you. There is only one thing worse than a Pole or a Jew and that is a Polish Jew. That is one thing I would never want to be, especially during WWII. Even now, what could people hate worse.
Leo: You know, I have never seen or met a Polish Jew.
Me: Yeah, you can thank Hitler for that...............and the Pope.
Leo: The Pope's a Nazi. I was trying to prove to people at work yesterday that the Pope, used to be a Nazi.
Me: They didn't believe you?
Leo: No. I even showed them proof that he was in the Nazi Army and was a member of the Hitler Youth Program. Yeah, maybe he went AWOL from the Nazi Army and was captured by the Allies and was a POW for the rest of the war. Maybe, the Hitler Youth Program was mandatory. But in my book, he wore the uniform and was in the Nazi Army.
Me: I think I see where you're going with this.
Leo: Yeah. He was a Nazi.
Me: So, he was a Nazi and then became Pope, does this mean all Catholics hate Jews. I think so. But then, everybody hates Jews. There is only one thing people hate almost as much as a Jew and that is a Polish person.
Leo: Ahh. Does that mean I suck almost as much as a Jew?
Me: Yeah, people hate you. But at least you can look down on the Jews. Poles are a step above the Jews, so you got that going for you. There is only one thing worse than a Pole or a Jew and that is a Polish Jew. That is one thing I would never want to be, especially during WWII. Even now, what could people hate worse.
Leo: You know, I have never seen or met a Polish Jew.
Me: Yeah, you can thank Hitler for that...............and the Pope.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Celebrity Answering Machine Messages
Kevin Federline
What up? K-Fed here. If this is about the ad in the Penny Saver, then this is your lucky day, ‘cuz the sex swing IS still available. It's in primo shape, too—hardly any skank stains on it at all. I'm only letting it go so cheap ‘cuz it's got a lot of bad memories for me and I want to make a clean break with the past, you know? So leave your name and the digits and I'll get back to you about it. I've also got some gravity boots and a gold-plated trailer hitch I could be persuaded to part with, if you're interested. I’m out.
Beep.
Kanye West
This is Kanye. Is this the Nobel Prize Committee? If not, why the fuck not? That chemistry prize is MINE, you dig? NOBODY deserves that motherfucker more than me. I am ALL OVER that chemistry shit. So y'all better get it together before I come on up to Sweden or wherever the fuck you're at and bust your stupid honky asses all over the snow, you feel me?
Beep.
Angelina Jolie's Son
Hello. My name's Maddox. I'm five years old. Will you help me? The balloon-lipped lady who calls herself my mommy is crazy. She told me that if I don't learn how to work with the camera soon, she'll give me to Pete Townshend and adopt another Cambodian baby to take my place. I don't want to go to Pete Townshend! Please help me!
Beep.
Courtney Love
Hello? Hello? FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL OF YOU, YOU FUCKERS! FUCK YOU AND—what's that, sweety? No, mommy's busy right now. Why? Mommy has to leave her message on the phone. So the fuckers will know what to do when they call and mommy's not home, that's why. Why do you have to ask so many fucking questions, anyway? I'm not Jesus. Now bring mommy her pills. I said NOW, you little shit!
Beep.
O.J. Simpson
Hey, this is O.J. Simpson. I'm not here right now, so leave a message. Seriously, I’m not here. Why would I lie? But if I WAS here, I'd probably be watching TV with my kids, Tubby and What's-Her-Face. But that's all hypothetical, you understand? So leave a message and I'll call you back.
Beep.
Wesley Snipes
This is Snipes. Gonna be outta the country for a little while. Could be a LONG while, actually. How long does that statute of limitations thing last, anyway? But hey, if this is urgent—say, you really need a brother who can sorta act, and can make that kung fu shit look half decent as long as there ain't no Asians on screen at the same time—try Mario Van Peebles. I don't know his number, but just stand on any street corner in Hollywood and holler his name. He'll hear you.
Beep.
What up? K-Fed here. If this is about the ad in the Penny Saver, then this is your lucky day, ‘cuz the sex swing IS still available. It's in primo shape, too—hardly any skank stains on it at all. I'm only letting it go so cheap ‘cuz it's got a lot of bad memories for me and I want to make a clean break with the past, you know? So leave your name and the digits and I'll get back to you about it. I've also got some gravity boots and a gold-plated trailer hitch I could be persuaded to part with, if you're interested. I’m out.
Beep.
Kanye West
This is Kanye. Is this the Nobel Prize Committee? If not, why the fuck not? That chemistry prize is MINE, you dig? NOBODY deserves that motherfucker more than me. I am ALL OVER that chemistry shit. So y'all better get it together before I come on up to Sweden or wherever the fuck you're at and bust your stupid honky asses all over the snow, you feel me?
Beep.
Angelina Jolie's Son
Hello. My name's Maddox. I'm five years old. Will you help me? The balloon-lipped lady who calls herself my mommy is crazy. She told me that if I don't learn how to work with the camera soon, she'll give me to Pete Townshend and adopt another Cambodian baby to take my place. I don't want to go to Pete Townshend! Please help me!
Beep.
Courtney Love
Hello? Hello? FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL OF YOU, YOU FUCKERS! FUCK YOU AND—what's that, sweety? No, mommy's busy right now. Why? Mommy has to leave her message on the phone. So the fuckers will know what to do when they call and mommy's not home, that's why. Why do you have to ask so many fucking questions, anyway? I'm not Jesus. Now bring mommy her pills. I said NOW, you little shit!
Beep.
O.J. Simpson
Hey, this is O.J. Simpson. I'm not here right now, so leave a message. Seriously, I’m not here. Why would I lie? But if I WAS here, I'd probably be watching TV with my kids, Tubby and What's-Her-Face. But that's all hypothetical, you understand? So leave a message and I'll call you back.
Beep.
Wesley Snipes
This is Snipes. Gonna be outta the country for a little while. Could be a LONG while, actually. How long does that statute of limitations thing last, anyway? But hey, if this is urgent—say, you really need a brother who can sorta act, and can make that kung fu shit look half decent as long as there ain't no Asians on screen at the same time—try Mario Van Peebles. I don't know his number, but just stand on any street corner in Hollywood and holler his name. He'll hear you.
Beep.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
John Kreese Eulogizes Mr. Miyagi
Before I start, I just want to thank Daniel for the kind words he just spoke. I think it's clear to everyone here that you cared a lot about Mr. Miyagi, Daniel. Like, a LOT. Hey, friends and family, quick show of hands: when you guys were in high school, how many of you were best friends with a septuagenarian war veteran? None? Yeah me neither. No, but seriously Daniel, you and Mr. Miyagi's friendship was beautiful in a completely non-creepy way.
By the way, I didn't see your wife walk into the church with you. She out parking the car? Oh, you're still single? Well, we're all very surprised.
Anyhow, I guess everyone's wondering why I showed up today. I'll admit it- Mr. Miyagi and I didn't always see eye to eye. Hell, he beat up a couple of Cobra Kai students one Halloween.
A quick aside here: now that enough time has passed to get a little perspective, Cobra Kai wasn't the friendliest name for a place of learning for young people, was it? I mean, for a business model based on the recruiting of children, Cobra Kai misses the mark by quite a large margin.
Oh well, live and learn.
Anyways, I always admired the fire in Miyagi's belly. Hell, if I hadn't respected the little prick so much, I probably wouldn't have spent the better part of my life laying out intricate plans to sabotage him and Daniel. Please don't misunderstand me here. By sabotage, I refer only to vandalism and intimidation.
Oh and murder. Yeah we tried to murder them both. A couple times actually. An amateur karate tournament was at stake, people!
Anyhow, that brings me to the reason I'm here today. Why we're all here. Mr. Miyagi is dead.
It's a lot like one of those Japanese proverbs he was always quoting. You can spend your whole life looking for something and realize it's right there under your nose the whole time. Well, I spent years trying to punch this little fucker's head through car windows and then a couple of days ago I wake up and in my lap is the very thing I was looking for all along: the ability to stand over Mr. Miyagi's lifeless body and laugh.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hey Miyagi: Cobra Kai never dies. You know what does die though? Slopes.
Hey, I've got an exercise for you Miyagi: BREATH IN, BREATH OUT! Not gonna be so good at that one anymore, are ya?
Just one last thing before I go: my new dojo will be opening Monday and offering free lessons for the first two weeks. You hear me LaRusso? I'm gonna open up dojo's all over the Valley! You don't stand a chance!
Valid point, I guess your having just turned 43 might disqualify you from competing in the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Well, maybe now that you aren't an old Japanese man's houseboy, the ladies might stop getting the "wrong idea." And when your ugly beard of a wife craps out a couple kids, rest assured that my students and I will be waiting.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Best Comic Book Movie: Top 5
This is what everyone has been waiting for, so here it is.
#5: Sin City
Sin City showed that if a comic is good enough, you really don't have to change anything about it. With that being said, not a whole lot was, it was as close as you could come to a living comic. First off, I loved the art style of Sin City and am a big fan of noir-type storytelling. Frank Miller is a genius and Robert Rodriguez is one of this generation's best directors. You could see that both really cared a lot about the subject matter and weren't out to make a quick buck.
Now on to the movie. Casting is super important to me and this movie has the best overall casting as everyone is believable in their roles. There's more than I can even name right now. The effects, I believe can stand the test of time, but it's the overall tone that people will always remember.
#4: Superman Returns
A lot of people may say "Hey, this movie sucked. There wasn't any action." Those people are idiots. Superman Returns wasn't suppose to be about action, but rather Superman and Lois Lane's reunion. It wouldn't make sense to re-introduce Superman and have him fighting the whole movie. Plus Superman doesn't have the strongest rouges gallery and that's because he's so powerful. I mean he has a zillion powers. So how do you make this into a good movie? You make Superman somewhat human and show his relationship with Lois being "complicated". And like Sin City, it has a somewhat "retro" feel to it.
The "human side" of Superman is what is really interesting. He's basically an alien in every sense of the word. He lives in a freaking Fortress of Solitude for crying out loud. He comes back and not only does the world seemingly not need him but the woman he loves is knocked up and seeing some other dude. These aren't conflicts that any other hero would be able to deal with. Bryan Singer understands this, I understand it, but there are douchbags out there was will never get it. Besides a good story can make you look past a lack of action.
#3: Batman Begins
I'll be the first to say that I never really cared for Batman. I refuse to read any of his comics and hated the first four Batman movies. But I loved Batman Begins. Why? The people behind the movie. Christopher Nolan is the only director that could do his movie. Christian Bale is totally believable as our title character, and Michael Caine is perfect as Alfred. This movie is an origin tale so it has to do a lot of set-up work, but it doesn't disappoint. Showing Bruce undergo ninja training was brilliant. That's what Batman is, not the campy "Bang!, Pow!, Punch!" fighter from the Adam West tv show.
The biggest improvement over all the Bat movies that came before wasn't that noticeable. The villains didn't overshadow Batman. Also they were believable and didn't run around delivering cheesy lines. My only real beef is the trend that started in the second movie, Batman Returns, that he has to fight two villains. Why throw it all into one movie? (Spider-Man 3) This movie actually left me, self-proclaimed "Batman Hater" wanting to see more.
#2: Spider-Man 2
Anyone who knows me, knows that I loves me some Spider-Man. I saw Spider-Man 2 in theaters a billion times. From start (with the Alex Ross art opening) to finish I watched this movie on the edge of my seat. It has everything you could possibly ask for in a superhero movie. I l especially loved watching Peter being repeatedly broken down, from losing his job, to seeing MJ move on to his boss's son of all people, to dealing with losing his powers when Doc Ock is out running amok. This movie has the best fighting scenes ever in any superhero movie.
What has always been the reason why I love Spider-Man is the fact that even though he has awesome powers, you can still identify with him. That's because Spider-Man is really about Peter Parker. He could be any one of us. This makes you feel what he is feeling more than any other hero. His relationship with MJ, you want him to pursue it but at the same time know why he feels he never can. The tension between he and Harry is something anyone who has ever tried to protect a friend can relate to. He knows Harry hates him for "killing" his father, but can't tell him that his father was the Green Goblin. His powers getting in the way of his school, not feeling appreciated; anybody who was ever a teenager understands these feelings.
There's so much of a connection with these characters that you are dying to see the next movie. My favorite scene in the whole movie is when MJ finally sees that Peter is really Spider-Man. You just know that she's gonna go back to him. But can it work?Who knows, but that look on her face in the final scene makes you wonder. The reveal with Harry in the end is perfect and really sets up where the next movie should have went more into. The perfect superhero movie but not the best...
#1: X2: X-Men United
After the first X-Men movie, I really felt like "they gotta step their game up" and X2 does. From the opening attack by Nightcrawler to the death everyone knew was coming, it goes from good comic book movie to great film. X2 sees the X-Men fighting one William Stryker, a man who wants nothing more than to see mutants wiped off the face of the earth. He has no superpowers but is the represents the perfect villain for the X-Men; the radical human that can't be reasoned with. A force so dangerous that the X-Men have to team up with Magneto, the anti-Charles Xavier.
The biggest draw about the X-Men is that they more than any other comic characters deal with discrimination and hatred just because they are different. Superman isn't human and deals with loneliness, but the general public doesn't hate and/or want to kill him. That what the X-Men go through everyday. There are so many great moments like Magneto's escape from his plastic prison, to Wolverine fighting off Stryker's men, but the best has no action. It's where Bobby tells his parents that he is in fact a mutant and their react how any real family would. This is the perfect example of how difficult it is "come out", if you will, to your family.
Another small, but great moment is the talk between Magneto and Pyro. Pyro is a confused young man and isn't sure if Xavier's dream is right. Any teenager can relate to questioning their parent's views on life. I especially like the fact that Magneto uses his powers to take Pyro's lighter, but after implanting a seed of doubt in Xavier's cause, reaches out and has Pyro take it out of his hand. The Wolverine-Lady Deathstrike fight was awesome but the subtle moments were the best. The ending set-up what should have been Singer's swan song, but never was. Bryan Singer made X2 into the best comic book movie and if you don't think having a passionate director who focuses on the small non-action moments as much as the huge fights is important, go watch X-Men: The Last Stand and get back to me.
#5: Sin City
Sin City showed that if a comic is good enough, you really don't have to change anything about it. With that being said, not a whole lot was, it was as close as you could come to a living comic. First off, I loved the art style of Sin City and am a big fan of noir-type storytelling. Frank Miller is a genius and Robert Rodriguez is one of this generation's best directors. You could see that both really cared a lot about the subject matter and weren't out to make a quick buck.
Now on to the movie. Casting is super important to me and this movie has the best overall casting as everyone is believable in their roles. There's more than I can even name right now. The effects, I believe can stand the test of time, but it's the overall tone that people will always remember.
#4: Superman Returns
A lot of people may say "Hey, this movie sucked. There wasn't any action." Those people are idiots. Superman Returns wasn't suppose to be about action, but rather Superman and Lois Lane's reunion. It wouldn't make sense to re-introduce Superman and have him fighting the whole movie. Plus Superman doesn't have the strongest rouges gallery and that's because he's so powerful. I mean he has a zillion powers. So how do you make this into a good movie? You make Superman somewhat human and show his relationship with Lois being "complicated". And like Sin City, it has a somewhat "retro" feel to it.
The "human side" of Superman is what is really interesting. He's basically an alien in every sense of the word. He lives in a freaking Fortress of Solitude for crying out loud. He comes back and not only does the world seemingly not need him but the woman he loves is knocked up and seeing some other dude. These aren't conflicts that any other hero would be able to deal with. Bryan Singer understands this, I understand it, but there are douchbags out there was will never get it. Besides a good story can make you look past a lack of action.
#3: Batman Begins
I'll be the first to say that I never really cared for Batman. I refuse to read any of his comics and hated the first four Batman movies. But I loved Batman Begins. Why? The people behind the movie. Christopher Nolan is the only director that could do his movie. Christian Bale is totally believable as our title character, and Michael Caine is perfect as Alfred. This movie is an origin tale so it has to do a lot of set-up work, but it doesn't disappoint. Showing Bruce undergo ninja training was brilliant. That's what Batman is, not the campy "Bang!, Pow!, Punch!" fighter from the Adam West tv show.
The biggest improvement over all the Bat movies that came before wasn't that noticeable. The villains didn't overshadow Batman. Also they were believable and didn't run around delivering cheesy lines. My only real beef is the trend that started in the second movie, Batman Returns, that he has to fight two villains. Why throw it all into one movie? (Spider-Man 3) This movie actually left me, self-proclaimed "Batman Hater" wanting to see more.
#2: Spider-Man 2
Anyone who knows me, knows that I loves me some Spider-Man. I saw Spider-Man 2 in theaters a billion times. From start (with the Alex Ross art opening) to finish I watched this movie on the edge of my seat. It has everything you could possibly ask for in a superhero movie. I l especially loved watching Peter being repeatedly broken down, from losing his job, to seeing MJ move on to his boss's son of all people, to dealing with losing his powers when Doc Ock is out running amok. This movie has the best fighting scenes ever in any superhero movie.
What has always been the reason why I love Spider-Man is the fact that even though he has awesome powers, you can still identify with him. That's because Spider-Man is really about Peter Parker. He could be any one of us. This makes you feel what he is feeling more than any other hero. His relationship with MJ, you want him to pursue it but at the same time know why he feels he never can. The tension between he and Harry is something anyone who has ever tried to protect a friend can relate to. He knows Harry hates him for "killing" his father, but can't tell him that his father was the Green Goblin. His powers getting in the way of his school, not feeling appreciated; anybody who was ever a teenager understands these feelings.
There's so much of a connection with these characters that you are dying to see the next movie. My favorite scene in the whole movie is when MJ finally sees that Peter is really Spider-Man. You just know that she's gonna go back to him. But can it work?Who knows, but that look on her face in the final scene makes you wonder. The reveal with Harry in the end is perfect and really sets up where the next movie should have went more into. The perfect superhero movie but not the best...
#1: X2: X-Men United
After the first X-Men movie, I really felt like "they gotta step their game up" and X2 does. From the opening attack by Nightcrawler to the death everyone knew was coming, it goes from good comic book movie to great film. X2 sees the X-Men fighting one William Stryker, a man who wants nothing more than to see mutants wiped off the face of the earth. He has no superpowers but is the represents the perfect villain for the X-Men; the radical human that can't be reasoned with. A force so dangerous that the X-Men have to team up with Magneto, the anti-Charles Xavier.
The biggest draw about the X-Men is that they more than any other comic characters deal with discrimination and hatred just because they are different. Superman isn't human and deals with loneliness, but the general public doesn't hate and/or want to kill him. That what the X-Men go through everyday. There are so many great moments like Magneto's escape from his plastic prison, to Wolverine fighting off Stryker's men, but the best has no action. It's where Bobby tells his parents that he is in fact a mutant and their react how any real family would. This is the perfect example of how difficult it is "come out", if you will, to your family.
Another small, but great moment is the talk between Magneto and Pyro. Pyro is a confused young man and isn't sure if Xavier's dream is right. Any teenager can relate to questioning their parent's views on life. I especially like the fact that Magneto uses his powers to take Pyro's lighter, but after implanting a seed of doubt in Xavier's cause, reaches out and has Pyro take it out of his hand. The Wolverine-Lady Deathstrike fight was awesome but the subtle moments were the best. The ending set-up what should have been Singer's swan song, but never was. Bryan Singer made X2 into the best comic book movie and if you don't think having a passionate director who focuses on the small non-action moments as much as the huge fights is important, go watch X-Men: The Last Stand and get back to me.
Random Happenings That Are Dangerous And Mirthsome!!
I saw a dead chicken on the side of the road when I was driving to work this morning. Not a quiet, country road where you might expect there to be chickens nearby. I've never seen a dead chicken on the side of the road so I assume that, contrary to what I'd heard in jokes, chickens don't actually cross roads very often. So I started thinking about why the chicken was trying to cross the road. Had the chicken crossed other, lesser roads or did it decide to go for the gusto right from the start? Was it making some sort of statement? Did it just want to get to the other side? Is it ironic that, when the chicken actually tried to cross the road, it didn't make it? If so, what kind of irony is it -- verbal, dramatic or situational? Have other chickens been crossing roads without me knowing about it? Is there some sort of chickens-crossing-road movement that I need to know about or is this an isolated incident?
A zany food related mirthsome incident occurred when I went to the cafe for my lunch break one day. I asked for a latte and a steak melt panini. The lady shouted my order into the kitchen, referring to it as simply a 'steak melt'. I've never been so embarassed. It was then obvious to me that the only filled baked goods they SERVED were paninis, and I didn't have to say 'panini' at all when I made my order. She must've thought I was a total cunt. I spent the rest of the day under my desk, cradling my lunch and weeping uncontrollably.
This one time we were going to visit the sweet old people in the Jewish retirement home, but instead of my boy scout uniform I accidentally wore my SS uniform. Ha, silly me.
This one time I was in Sarajevo, and I saw the Archduke and his wife driving past in a car, so I thought I'd go out and shake his hand, except, get this, I forgot I was holding a pistol and I accidentally shot and killed them both! There ended up being a bit of trouble over that, so yeah, not exactly my finest hour. I felt a fool.
Today, I accidentally gave a homeless person some change.
When I was ten I had to pee so I walked to the garbage can in our kitchen and started peeing in it. This seemed totally normal to me for a few seconds before something in my mind clicked and I was like "Hey, wait a minute..."
One time this little black kid called me a jigaboo. It was the funniest day of my life.
Do blind people feel love at first sight? No. Blind people can't see. I hope this answers your question.
The internet; where men are men, women are men, and little girls are FBI agents.
Love at first sight. Why, it happens all the time! Imagine this: You, the moon, the empty street. An angel standing by an empty bus stop. Your eyes meet once. Then again. You smile, and she responds. The way she leans next to the wall, her sheepish smile. It drives you insane. You walk towards her as she smiles. You quicken your pace, and pretty soon your running at full gait. She shoots off a look of concern, but it's too late! She's yours. Yours forever. Yours as you reach for her neck. Yours as her muffled screams make your heart flutter. Yours as you dispose of her body in the sewer 20 minutes later. Ahhh, amour. Such a fleeting thing!
In the wasteland, it would seem, hardass homosexuals overtake the Earth – until they get their shit wrecked by Mad Max, anyway.
Everyone's been saying that global warming is to blame for all these hurricanes we've had lately, and maybe we need to start respecting the earth more. But how about we just kill all these butterflies? Or at least stop them from flapping their goddamn wings all the time.
I've always thought it was interesting how different societal expectations on what is and is not acceptable to wear in public can affect whether someone feels fine wearing certain clothes but embarassed when wearing essentially the same amount of clothing, just for a different use. For example a girl may not feel embarrassed at all if I see her in a bikini, but is all screams and pepper spray when I spring out of her closet when she's in bra and panties.
I bet that snapping someone's neck like Solid Snake is a lot like learning how to drive stick, in that it's pretty tough to pick up at first, but once you get the basic idea you want to practice all the time so that you get really good at it.
I wonder if water is odorless and tasteless to all animals, or only us. I bet other animals can taste it, and for horses, water probably tastes like root beer. That must be awesome.
I went to the Downtown Library last week. In an age of internet connectivity, declining literacy rates and rampant addiction to synthetic drugs- I was curious as to who was actually using the library for what.... so I asked everyone I saw there and the most common answer I got was, " Give me your wallet or I'll fuckin' kill you."
I wish that, instead of getting punished for all the people I did kill, I was rewarded for all the people I didn't kill, which happens to be a much bigger number, for now.
When the flight attendant asks me if I want anything and I say "oral sex", why do they get so bent out of shape? I assumed, as any normal person would, that the words 'business class' implied suave professionalism.
The best use of a potato is as a projectile, wielded with deadly accuracy. You can teach someone a valuable lesson about a) your dead-on aim and b) the amazing usefulness of potatoes. Plus, you can wash them off and eat them! You can't eat bullets.
Someone gave a speech on violence in video games. Oh, look at all the statistics you're showing. Wow, 43% of all video games are action and violence based. I should fucking hope so.
When someone is killed, people often buy flowers and place them at the site of the death or the gravesite. So how many of these deaths are actually caused by the flower companies to make profits? Some? Most? All? Or more?
Unicorns have horns, unicorns are white, I've never seen a unicorn that wasn't white. Unicorns are racist. It's a fact.
So look, maybe things have gotten a little out of hand here, and it certainly wasn't my intention to engage in a silly spat of name-calling just to be confrontational or what have you. Instead, and if you've followed along thus far then please believe me when I say this: I sincerely, maturely, and on rational objective grounds, find you to be a mothercuntpunching horror of an overflowing diaper whose ability to avoid getting stabbed in the ass and throat and eyes by everyone who knows him has me, frankly, in a sort of religious awe.
A zany food related mirthsome incident occurred when I went to the cafe for my lunch break one day. I asked for a latte and a steak melt panini. The lady shouted my order into the kitchen, referring to it as simply a 'steak melt'. I've never been so embarassed. It was then obvious to me that the only filled baked goods they SERVED were paninis, and I didn't have to say 'panini' at all when I made my order. She must've thought I was a total cunt. I spent the rest of the day under my desk, cradling my lunch and weeping uncontrollably.
This one time we were going to visit the sweet old people in the Jewish retirement home, but instead of my boy scout uniform I accidentally wore my SS uniform. Ha, silly me.
This one time I was in Sarajevo, and I saw the Archduke and his wife driving past in a car, so I thought I'd go out and shake his hand, except, get this, I forgot I was holding a pistol and I accidentally shot and killed them both! There ended up being a bit of trouble over that, so yeah, not exactly my finest hour. I felt a fool.
Today, I accidentally gave a homeless person some change.
When I was ten I had to pee so I walked to the garbage can in our kitchen and started peeing in it. This seemed totally normal to me for a few seconds before something in my mind clicked and I was like "Hey, wait a minute..."
One time this little black kid called me a jigaboo. It was the funniest day of my life.
Do blind people feel love at first sight? No. Blind people can't see. I hope this answers your question.
The internet; where men are men, women are men, and little girls are FBI agents.
Love at first sight. Why, it happens all the time! Imagine this: You, the moon, the empty street. An angel standing by an empty bus stop. Your eyes meet once. Then again. You smile, and she responds. The way she leans next to the wall, her sheepish smile. It drives you insane. You walk towards her as she smiles. You quicken your pace, and pretty soon your running at full gait. She shoots off a look of concern, but it's too late! She's yours. Yours forever. Yours as you reach for her neck. Yours as her muffled screams make your heart flutter. Yours as you dispose of her body in the sewer 20 minutes later. Ahhh, amour. Such a fleeting thing!
In the wasteland, it would seem, hardass homosexuals overtake the Earth – until they get their shit wrecked by Mad Max, anyway.
Everyone's been saying that global warming is to blame for all these hurricanes we've had lately, and maybe we need to start respecting the earth more. But how about we just kill all these butterflies? Or at least stop them from flapping their goddamn wings all the time.
I've always thought it was interesting how different societal expectations on what is and is not acceptable to wear in public can affect whether someone feels fine wearing certain clothes but embarassed when wearing essentially the same amount of clothing, just for a different use. For example a girl may not feel embarrassed at all if I see her in a bikini, but is all screams and pepper spray when I spring out of her closet when she's in bra and panties.
I bet that snapping someone's neck like Solid Snake is a lot like learning how to drive stick, in that it's pretty tough to pick up at first, but once you get the basic idea you want to practice all the time so that you get really good at it.
I wonder if water is odorless and tasteless to all animals, or only us. I bet other animals can taste it, and for horses, water probably tastes like root beer. That must be awesome.
I went to the Downtown Library last week. In an age of internet connectivity, declining literacy rates and rampant addiction to synthetic drugs- I was curious as to who was actually using the library for what.... so I asked everyone I saw there and the most common answer I got was, " Give me your wallet or I'll fuckin' kill you."
I wish that, instead of getting punished for all the people I did kill, I was rewarded for all the people I didn't kill, which happens to be a much bigger number, for now.
When the flight attendant asks me if I want anything and I say "oral sex", why do they get so bent out of shape? I assumed, as any normal person would, that the words 'business class' implied suave professionalism.
The best use of a potato is as a projectile, wielded with deadly accuracy. You can teach someone a valuable lesson about a) your dead-on aim and b) the amazing usefulness of potatoes. Plus, you can wash them off and eat them! You can't eat bullets.
Someone gave a speech on violence in video games. Oh, look at all the statistics you're showing. Wow, 43% of all video games are action and violence based. I should fucking hope so.
When someone is killed, people often buy flowers and place them at the site of the death or the gravesite. So how many of these deaths are actually caused by the flower companies to make profits? Some? Most? All? Or more?
Unicorns have horns, unicorns are white, I've never seen a unicorn that wasn't white. Unicorns are racist. It's a fact.
So look, maybe things have gotten a little out of hand here, and it certainly wasn't my intention to engage in a silly spat of name-calling just to be confrontational or what have you. Instead, and if you've followed along thus far then please believe me when I say this: I sincerely, maturely, and on rational objective grounds, find you to be a mothercuntpunching horror of an overflowing diaper whose ability to avoid getting stabbed in the ass and throat and eyes by everyone who knows him has me, frankly, in a sort of religious awe.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Best Comic Book Movie (#10-#6)
So let's just get right down to it:
#10: Fantastic Four 2
Ok, I'll admit that I've never really cared that much about the Fantastic Four comic, but I was still excited about this movie for two reasons. The first reason was Jessica Alba who is smoking hot unless you're gay... and blind. I wasn't crazy about how they tried to "smart her up" because I never thought that they needed to. She wasn't running around being a damsel in distress in the first movie. The second thing that had me stoked about the movie was the thought of the Fantastic Four facing off with Galactus. Sadly this never developed and they spent the whole movie trying to save the Silver Surfer from Dr. Doom. I would have even accepted an ending where it was set up for the team to fight Galactus in the third film. But I don't write movies, so there is always gonna be room for improvement.
#9: Blade
This movie started the whole comic book movie revival. The casting was awesome, Wesley Snipes as a third- rate hero? Brilliant. The effects weren't great, and don't quite stand the test of time but the fight scenes kicked ass. As sweet as... the Matrix, which came out one year later. So not only did Blade kick off the comic book movie being fashionable again, but he was the original "the One".
#8: 300
At first glance, this movie was pure machismo. But underneath that lay... pure machismo. Not that I'm complaining, who doesn't like seeing hot chicks topless and excessive violence? It's based on a Frank Miller graphic novel that he based on an actual event. The only downside is that you can't help but feel like "been there, done that" after seeing movies like Braveheart and Gladiator. Like Blade, this movie brought back a forgotten genre: the historically inaccurate film.
#7: I am Legend
While based on an actual book originally, it was adapted into a couple of movies, then a graphic novel, a finally into the latest version starring Will " I save the world everyday" Smith. Sadly, end of the world movies are a dime a dozen these days. Will Smith actually does an awesome job playing Robert Neville. Unlike Daredevil, changing a character's race isn't a big deal if the actor in question can act and the change actually makes sense. My only beef was how all the diseased mutant/zombie whatevers looked the same. C'mon! Spend some of that Will Smith money on making them look somewhat different. At least try.
# 6: V for Vendetta
V for Vendetta combined three things that I love in my movies: an underlying political message that is actually relevant, British culture, and Natalie Portman. Based on an 1980s Alan Moore graphic novel called... you guessed it, V for Vendetta is a rare breed: a pretty smart comic book movie. But Alan Moore doesn't exactly write mindless stupid 12 year old fondler. I do like the fact that the movie was set in our near future and not in the 1980's " near future aka 90s" . Being too faithful to the source material can sometimes scream "I'm lazy and/or too stupid to change things that no longer make sense". So why didn't I rate V higher on the list? Maybe I should...
#10: Fantastic Four 2
Ok, I'll admit that I've never really cared that much about the Fantastic Four comic, but I was still excited about this movie for two reasons. The first reason was Jessica Alba who is smoking hot unless you're gay... and blind. I wasn't crazy about how they tried to "smart her up" because I never thought that they needed to. She wasn't running around being a damsel in distress in the first movie. The second thing that had me stoked about the movie was the thought of the Fantastic Four facing off with Galactus. Sadly this never developed and they spent the whole movie trying to save the Silver Surfer from Dr. Doom. I would have even accepted an ending where it was set up for the team to fight Galactus in the third film. But I don't write movies, so there is always gonna be room for improvement.
#9: Blade
This movie started the whole comic book movie revival. The casting was awesome, Wesley Snipes as a third- rate hero? Brilliant. The effects weren't great, and don't quite stand the test of time but the fight scenes kicked ass. As sweet as... the Matrix, which came out one year later. So not only did Blade kick off the comic book movie being fashionable again, but he was the original "the One".
#8: 300
At first glance, this movie was pure machismo. But underneath that lay... pure machismo. Not that I'm complaining, who doesn't like seeing hot chicks topless and excessive violence? It's based on a Frank Miller graphic novel that he based on an actual event. The only downside is that you can't help but feel like "been there, done that" after seeing movies like Braveheart and Gladiator. Like Blade, this movie brought back a forgotten genre: the historically inaccurate film.
#7: I am Legend
While based on an actual book originally, it was adapted into a couple of movies, then a graphic novel, a finally into the latest version starring Will " I save the world everyday" Smith. Sadly, end of the world movies are a dime a dozen these days. Will Smith actually does an awesome job playing Robert Neville. Unlike Daredevil, changing a character's race isn't a big deal if the actor in question can act and the change actually makes sense. My only beef was how all the diseased mutant/zombie whatevers looked the same. C'mon! Spend some of that Will Smith money on making them look somewhat different. At least try.
# 6: V for Vendetta
V for Vendetta combined three things that I love in my movies: an underlying political message that is actually relevant, British culture, and Natalie Portman. Based on an 1980s Alan Moore graphic novel called... you guessed it, V for Vendetta is a rare breed: a pretty smart comic book movie. But Alan Moore doesn't exactly write mindless stupid 12 year old fondler. I do like the fact that the movie was set in our near future and not in the 1980's " near future aka 90s" . Being too faithful to the source material can sometimes scream "I'm lazy and/or too stupid to change things that no longer make sense". So why didn't I rate V higher on the list? Maybe I should...
Thursday, March 13, 2008
What is the best comic book movie?
A simple question without a simple answer. Everyone has their favorite comic book character and/or movie but that must be overlooked in this situation. Some of the things to consider instead are story, character development, faithfulness to source material among other things. Special effects, today, must also play a big part. Heroes usually have amazing superpowers and these powers can't look fake or cheesy. But what separates good comic book movies from bad comic book movies is that the good one incorporate all of the above. But deciding the best comic book movie is not an easy choice, and thus some guidelines must made.
First, if a movie is part of a trilogy or series, only the best of the bunch will be considered. Second, special effects will be judged by those comparable to other films of the era. Third, no animated movie will be judged. The movies I will be judging will be 300, Batman Begins, Blade, Fantastic Four 2, I am Legend, Sin City, Spider-Man 2, Superman Returns, V for Vendetta, and X-Men 2. Films that had potential but something went wrong: Daredevil, Hellboy, Hulk, and both Punisher movies. 30 Days of Night, Elektra, and Ghost Rider won't be included simply because I have yet to see them. Ghost World? Please don't waste my time.
I'll start with where the movies that didn't make it into consideration got it wrong.
Daredevil: God, where to start. The casting was horrible all-around. Ben Affleck could almost pass for a believable Daredevil if only he could act. Jennifer Garner had no business playing Elektra. Colin Ferrell hammed it up as Bullseye. Michael Clarke Duncan as the Kingpin? This makes no sense, the comic Kingpin was white not black. Sometimes it doesn't matter, but this call just felt wrong. The fights equal shit. Needs to be remade with all-new cast and director.
Hellboy: Good casting. (Especially Ron Perlman as Hellboy and Selma Blair as Liz Sherman). But slow pace, less than stellar acting, do you even remember the plot?
Hulk: In the comics, "Hulk Smash". "Hulk in Emotional Distress" equals movie killer. Hulk vs... some dogs? Don't get me started. Waste of Jennifer Connelly.
Punisher: First one was kinda cheesy (but in it's defense, it came out in the late '80s when comic book movies weren't taken serious). Waste of Dolph Lundgen, if such a phrase exists. Second movie: Thomas Jane's Punisher was kinda soft. Also John Travolta hammed it up as the villain. This really upset me because I always felt like the Punisher would be the easiest comic character to translate into a movie character. He doesn't have any powers, no Bat-cave, and doesn't fight super villains, but rather gangsters so what the Hell? Waste of Rebecca Romijn.
Next up; movies 10 thru 6.
First, if a movie is part of a trilogy or series, only the best of the bunch will be considered. Second, special effects will be judged by those comparable to other films of the era. Third, no animated movie will be judged. The movies I will be judging will be 300, Batman Begins, Blade, Fantastic Four 2, I am Legend, Sin City, Spider-Man 2, Superman Returns, V for Vendetta, and X-Men 2. Films that had potential but something went wrong: Daredevil, Hellboy, Hulk, and both Punisher movies. 30 Days of Night, Elektra, and Ghost Rider won't be included simply because I have yet to see them. Ghost World? Please don't waste my time.
I'll start with where the movies that didn't make it into consideration got it wrong.
Daredevil: God, where to start. The casting was horrible all-around. Ben Affleck could almost pass for a believable Daredevil if only he could act. Jennifer Garner had no business playing Elektra. Colin Ferrell hammed it up as Bullseye. Michael Clarke Duncan as the Kingpin? This makes no sense, the comic Kingpin was white not black. Sometimes it doesn't matter, but this call just felt wrong. The fights equal shit. Needs to be remade with all-new cast and director.
Hellboy: Good casting. (Especially Ron Perlman as Hellboy and Selma Blair as Liz Sherman). But slow pace, less than stellar acting, do you even remember the plot?
Hulk: In the comics, "Hulk Smash". "Hulk in Emotional Distress" equals movie killer. Hulk vs... some dogs? Don't get me started. Waste of Jennifer Connelly.
Punisher: First one was kinda cheesy (but in it's defense, it came out in the late '80s when comic book movies weren't taken serious). Waste of Dolph Lundgen, if such a phrase exists. Second movie: Thomas Jane's Punisher was kinda soft. Also John Travolta hammed it up as the villain. This really upset me because I always felt like the Punisher would be the easiest comic character to translate into a movie character. He doesn't have any powers, no Bat-cave, and doesn't fight super villains, but rather gangsters so what the Hell? Waste of Rebecca Romijn.
Next up; movies 10 thru 6.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Some Super Hero Truths!
Have you ever noticed how you never see Batman and billionaire socialite Bruce Wayne together? Now you may brush this off as meaningless since the two have no reason to even know one another, but there have been many reported instances where Bruce Wayne mysteriously disappeared just moments before Batman showed up on the scene. Is this coincidence, or is this simply undeniable evidence of THE TRUTH--
Bruce Wayne is avoiding Batman!
What kind of white collar crimes is Wayne Enterprises involved in? What does its chairman have to hide? And why have so many gadgets gone missing from its tech department? To which country is Wayne selling these weapons? And what does this have to do with 9/11?
Don't let yourself be blinded by the glitz! Don't let your voices be silenced! Seek the truth! Speak the truth!
TRUTH!
Well, do you think that it could be that Bruce Wayne is Batman?
Nah, that's ridiculous. What am I talking about?
The TRUTH is that Bruce Wayne is a Nazi. He amassed his fortune by stealing from the millions of Jewish people that died during the holocaust. He tried to hide his Swedish ancestry by changing his name (originally Bruch Vanyegaz)
Batman is a a reputed Nazi-Hunter (As comic #4560, Don't Jew dare!, pub 1972) and if he were to find out Wayne's ties to the Nazi party he would quickly kidnap Bruce Wayne and ship him off to Israel for a war crimes tribunal.
It also occurs to me that not many people hang around when Batman shows up. Would it be unreasonable for me to suggest that Bruce Wayne simply wants to avoid bodily harm and so flees at the first sign of danger, before Batman arrives. I mean he's just a rich playboy, he has no business getting mixed up in the criminal. Just because these two aren't seen together is no reason to start coming up with bizarre rumors and speculation.
I'm more concerned with that Clark Kent guy who works at the Daily Planet.
He must work out quite a lot, but you never see him in the gym. In fact, when Superman appears Clark conveniently disappears, which is strange, because if Clark took off his glasses....
....Hold on a sec....That's it!
Clark is a distant relative of Superman and disappears to use his journalistic insider info to contact Superman and have him appear in a split second! Clark Kent is always seen fleeing from trouble, no wonder Lois Lane has the hots for Superman instead.
Also, I know this guy called Peter, who lives with his aunt in a tiny apartment in New York. What a sad fuck.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Play Ball
Professional baseball has come under a lot a pressure lately due to the steroid issue. But I think that the problem isn't that so many players are doing "roids", but not enough players are. Really if the best hitters are hitting a suspicious number of home runs off of the best pitchers and both parties are jacked up on steroids, then fuck it. What's that old saying: "Records are meant to be broken"? But also lets not forget a critical fact; doing steroids and/or HGH does not automatically make you better at ANYTHING. You still gotta swing the bat, so to speak. Still gotta throw strikes. Look at all the bums who do or have done steroids. My solution to this problem is to simply mandate that all players HAVE to use "roids". Its the only way to go back to a somewhat level playing field. Then no record would be debated. There would be no need to asterisk anything.
Friday, February 8, 2008
dvdNET
As you may or may not know, regular plain-jane DVDs are on their way to becoming extinct. Soon you will be forced to buy an all new medium to watch your dirty movies on. High definition video will show you the clearest picture you've ever seen. You'll actually swear you were watching two disease-ridden scum bags bumping uglies right in front you. Every breast implant scar, every tummy tuck, every crab will look totally realistic on this new high-def format. No detail will go unnoticed. With high definition, you can say goodbye to your dad's collection of taped static porn. Time to think about upgrading.
Also, recently, Microsoft has expressed interests in buying Yahoo. Why? Lets just say this kind of things can only lead to one thing: the rise of SKYnet.
Also, recently, Microsoft has expressed interests in buying Yahoo. Why? Lets just say this kind of things can only lead to one thing: the rise of SKYnet.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Presidential Forecasts: I See Rain.....And Lots Of It!!
So with the upcoming elections, I foresee several different scenarios. Any of these are possible, any of these could actually happen. Between you and me, they probably will.
In the Democrat race, we find Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, seemingly neck and neck. It could be anyone's race. There is no way to tell. However, only one of them could make it to the big house.
If Hillary makes it to the Presidency, I see several things happening. First of all, everyone that voted for her which if she wins will be the majority of the country, they will all be viewed as racist woman lovers. I love women, however I am not a racist. They will be viewed as such, because of the fact that they didn't vote for the colored person and instead voted for a woman. Whatever!
When/If Hillary becomes President, I see her appointing who as her Vice President? That's right, none other than her husband, Bill Clinton. Once he is appointed as her VP, she will step down as President and he being the VP will then be sworn into office and we will have another 4 glorious years under Bubba. Remember that it says, a person can only be voted into the Presidency two times. However, he will not have been voted in and therefore can remain President. Once he is sworn in, he will then appoint his new VP and that will be none other than Hillary herself, so that she can run the country from the background. Just like in the old days.
There is another possible scenario that closely follows the above. After appointing Bill as her VP, Hillary maybe realizes the country can't go through what it did before, she decides to not step down. When he realizes that he is in fact not going to be President again, Bill decides to take drastic measures..........and has her assassinated. Once she is assassinated, Bill then is sworn into office and we have four more glorious years under Bubba.
Now suppose Barack Obama is voted into the Presidency. All those people that voted for Hillary will say that those who voted for Barack are a bunch of women haters. They are the oppressors of women's rights all over the world, even though this is an American Election. But hey, who cares? If you vote for the man, you hate the woman. Right?
Once sworn into office, there will be several changes taking place. First of all, our National Debt will become greater, because in an unexpected move, Barack has decided to pay reparations to all African-Americans living in America or abroad. Including himself and since he is the President, he gets a bigger cut. Even though, all the generations alive today had nothing ever to do with slavery, it's still our fault. So after the big payout, slavery will be legal by law again. White slavery that is. Now it will be our turn to know how the whip feels and learn our new names.
The 3rd candidate for Democrats, Mike Gravel, I don't even want to get into anything real big. He's gonna kick the bucket two days into his term, even if he were to win.
Now that I've covered enough of the Democrats, it's time to take a swing at the Republicans.
Let's see, where to start. Ah, Mike Huckabee. This one is easy. First let's look at a little background. Born and raised in the South, Governor of a Southern state for numerous years. Does no one see where this is going? Well, after being sworn into office, Huckabee will also expect reparations to be made and paid. Reparations from African-Americans to the white people. This is being paid for white people having to deal with the whole reparations for slavery even though no African-American has even been affected by slavery in this country in this generation let alone century. After the reparations are paid, slavery will be legal again. Once again, whites will own blacks who will then pick the cotton.
Ah, John McCain. Decorated War Veteran, well known politician. Where can you go wrong? Several places. When he was younger, supposedly McCain had a quick temper and a drive to compete. So what, you say. Everyone has a temper now and again. Who doesn't want to compete? True enough, however. When we were younger, we didn't have the full might of one of the strongest nations in the world on our side. So, I foresee......war, and lots of it. If he doesn't get his way, he'll throw a fit and fight them. Next, coming from his religious background, in accordance with the schools he attended. All persons who are American will be required to go to a 20-30 minute chapel service 3 times a week. There will be a church service on Sundays that is not included in the previous requirement. Twice a month there is also a mandatory vespers service at night. The Friday chapel service will be President led. People of all religions are expected to attend. Though, this program will be more affiliated with the Episcopal Diocese, all are expected to attend. Remember, he has the military to make sure you go. Roll Call will be taken. Beware!!
How about that Ron Paul? Hearing his name makes me think of a gay clothing designer. Or maybe a washed up druggy ex-record store employee. He is in the same boat as Mike Gravel. He's gonna kick the bucket two days into his term.
Mitt Romney, doesn't seem like a bad candidate either. Oh oh oh, you have no idea. Under the control of Romney and his Mormon brethren, this country will turn into a country where you wonder if there is a normal person in the White House, or a Jew. It's a Mormon I tell you. After taking over the country new plans will be put in place to, how to say this correctly, remove (exterminate) all non Mormons. With extermination camps and work camps, America will become the new Heaven of the Mormons. No Non Mormons except for those kept around to work and serve. Also, it will become common practice for people to drink the blood of babies, just like the Jews. Except they won't be taking our money. They'll be taking our lives and freedom.
I believe the best candidate would have been Rudy Giuliani, unfortunately for us, he removed himself from the race. Rudy Giuliani, i think its about time we had a mafia backed president. That's all I have to say about that.
So whether you agree with anything I have said here or not, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you think about who you are planning on voting for, because their plans for the Presidency might be a little different than what you expect them to do.
In the Democrat race, we find Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, seemingly neck and neck. It could be anyone's race. There is no way to tell. However, only one of them could make it to the big house.
If Hillary makes it to the Presidency, I see several things happening. First of all, everyone that voted for her which if she wins will be the majority of the country, they will all be viewed as racist woman lovers. I love women, however I am not a racist. They will be viewed as such, because of the fact that they didn't vote for the colored person and instead voted for a woman. Whatever!
When/If Hillary becomes President, I see her appointing who as her Vice President? That's right, none other than her husband, Bill Clinton. Once he is appointed as her VP, she will step down as President and he being the VP will then be sworn into office and we will have another 4 glorious years under Bubba. Remember that it says, a person can only be voted into the Presidency two times. However, he will not have been voted in and therefore can remain President. Once he is sworn in, he will then appoint his new VP and that will be none other than Hillary herself, so that she can run the country from the background. Just like in the old days.
There is another possible scenario that closely follows the above. After appointing Bill as her VP, Hillary maybe realizes the country can't go through what it did before, she decides to not step down. When he realizes that he is in fact not going to be President again, Bill decides to take drastic measures..........and has her assassinated. Once she is assassinated, Bill then is sworn into office and we have four more glorious years under Bubba.
Now suppose Barack Obama is voted into the Presidency. All those people that voted for Hillary will say that those who voted for Barack are a bunch of women haters. They are the oppressors of women's rights all over the world, even though this is an American Election. But hey, who cares? If you vote for the man, you hate the woman. Right?
Once sworn into office, there will be several changes taking place. First of all, our National Debt will become greater, because in an unexpected move, Barack has decided to pay reparations to all African-Americans living in America or abroad. Including himself and since he is the President, he gets a bigger cut. Even though, all the generations alive today had nothing ever to do with slavery, it's still our fault. So after the big payout, slavery will be legal by law again. White slavery that is. Now it will be our turn to know how the whip feels and learn our new names.
The 3rd candidate for Democrats, Mike Gravel, I don't even want to get into anything real big. He's gonna kick the bucket two days into his term, even if he were to win.
Now that I've covered enough of the Democrats, it's time to take a swing at the Republicans.
Let's see, where to start. Ah, Mike Huckabee. This one is easy. First let's look at a little background. Born and raised in the South, Governor of a Southern state for numerous years. Does no one see where this is going? Well, after being sworn into office, Huckabee will also expect reparations to be made and paid. Reparations from African-Americans to the white people. This is being paid for white people having to deal with the whole reparations for slavery even though no African-American has even been affected by slavery in this country in this generation let alone century. After the reparations are paid, slavery will be legal again. Once again, whites will own blacks who will then pick the cotton.
Ah, John McCain. Decorated War Veteran, well known politician. Where can you go wrong? Several places. When he was younger, supposedly McCain had a quick temper and a drive to compete. So what, you say. Everyone has a temper now and again. Who doesn't want to compete? True enough, however. When we were younger, we didn't have the full might of one of the strongest nations in the world on our side. So, I foresee......war, and lots of it. If he doesn't get his way, he'll throw a fit and fight them. Next, coming from his religious background, in accordance with the schools he attended. All persons who are American will be required to go to a 20-30 minute chapel service 3 times a week. There will be a church service on Sundays that is not included in the previous requirement. Twice a month there is also a mandatory vespers service at night. The Friday chapel service will be President led. People of all religions are expected to attend. Though, this program will be more affiliated with the Episcopal Diocese, all are expected to attend. Remember, he has the military to make sure you go. Roll Call will be taken. Beware!!
How about that Ron Paul? Hearing his name makes me think of a gay clothing designer. Or maybe a washed up druggy ex-record store employee. He is in the same boat as Mike Gravel. He's gonna kick the bucket two days into his term.
Mitt Romney, doesn't seem like a bad candidate either. Oh oh oh, you have no idea. Under the control of Romney and his Mormon brethren, this country will turn into a country where you wonder if there is a normal person in the White House, or a Jew. It's a Mormon I tell you. After taking over the country new plans will be put in place to, how to say this correctly, remove (exterminate) all non Mormons. With extermination camps and work camps, America will become the new Heaven of the Mormons. No Non Mormons except for those kept around to work and serve. Also, it will become common practice for people to drink the blood of babies, just like the Jews. Except they won't be taking our money. They'll be taking our lives and freedom.
I believe the best candidate would have been Rudy Giuliani, unfortunately for us, he removed himself from the race. Rudy Giuliani, i think its about time we had a mafia backed president. That's all I have to say about that.
So whether you agree with anything I have said here or not, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you think about who you are planning on voting for, because their plans for the Presidency might be a little different than what you expect them to do.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
The Day The Earth Stood Still
Alien invaders don't always want to kill us, but when they don't, we usually prove why they should. It all started with the 1951 classic The Day The Earth Stood Still, when an alien named Klaatu and his robot friend Gort came to Earth to save us all from ourselves. They were shot within 10 seconds of landing, imprisoned, escaped, got turned in by a filthy human for the reward, then got shot again ... to death.
But, it's even worse than that: Klaatu wasn't any ordinary interplanetary goodwill ambassador. If you put the pieces of the puzzle together-a mysterious visitor from the heavens, suffering for our transgressions, gets turned in by someone he trusts and is ultimately sacrificed-it becomes fairly clear that we killed Jesus. Again! Way to go, humanity. Real classy.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Letter Found!
Discovered recently are many letters and speeches, written by our esteemed and Level 35 Wizard President. Though as I release them you will come to realize why these never reached the public. Some are too much for some people to handle, or maybe just to stupid. Read on and find out for yourself.
As he asks, "What part are you at? I'm lost.".
My feline (fellow) Americans,
Tomorrow you'll be heading to the poles (polls, these are not strippers we're writing to) to do something Americans have been doing for decades (centuries) called voting. As owner of the United States (you're the President, not the owner) I would like to encourage you in the great tradition of other presidents such as myself (don't refer to yourself among "other" Presidents), Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan junior (never a president) , Richard Nixon and Teddy Ruxpin (never a president, not even real) not to vote right now (none of these Presidents ever encouraged people not to vote and neither should you!) .
Every day, thousands of people are killed on their way to cast their vote due to liberal drivers swerving erotically (erratically) all over the roads and conservative drivers driving straight and not turning ever. Last voting time (election) more than two halves of all Americans did not vote. The other half that did vote are still missing or are dead. I tried to look for them but when I was gone we started losing in Iraq so I came back and we're doing good again.
(First of all, Americans do not vote every day. Second, not that this should even be in this letter, but "driving straight and not turning ever" as you claim conservatives do, would be just as dangerous as the erratic driving you're accusing liberals of. Also, recheck your voting statistics. It is impossible for there to be more than two halves of a population, let alone an extra half to boot as you are claiming. Most importantly here, the people who voted in the last election will read your claim that all voters went missing or were killed and know it is false. As a sidebar, no one expects you, as the President of the United States, to go looking for missing people on your own.)
Things are going really good. You're alive right? Right?! (I'd get rid of the second 'right?!' It sounds panicked, as if you are afraid you may be writing to the undead.)
If you vote everything will change. Up will become down, black will become up, up will become warm, warm will become lukewarm, lukewarm will become Luke Skywalker, Luke Skywalker will become Lucky Charms, Lucky Charms will become Cheerios, Cheerios will become burritos and I will be danged if I'm going to be pouring milk over burritos. So this November DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!!!!! (The logical progression of this statement is highly questionable at best.)
The next few words put together and ended with periods (just say sentences) is to be read by Republicans only. Democrats close your eyes for the next five minutes (the words are not going to disappear after five minutes. You shouldn't be sending secret messages in letters addressed to everyone.)
Okay, Republicans, definitely go vote. I know you're afraid now that you're going to get killed but I need you to be brave (So you actually believe several people were killed on their way to vote in 2004?!)
Okay, Democrats, go ahead and open your eyes (they can't hear you!) . I had to tell the Republicans where we're going to have our next convention. Democrats close your eyes here again please for a second.
Okay, Republicans, I know you are now confused and trying to figure out where I said we are going to hold our next convention. Don't worry, I didn't say it. I just needed an excuse.
Okay, Democrats, you can join us again. I just had to add some directions as to how to get to our next convention. Dang it, close your eyes again.
Dang it Republicans!!! I told you! I didn't really say where the next convention is!!!! Don't worry about the directions we'll figure that out later!! (Who are you arguing with?!)
Okay everyone. So in conclusion, the next Republican convention will be held in Philadelphia. Oh crap! I just gave away our secret location!!!! I'm out of here!!!!!
(It is never a good idea to end a letter with you running away from it. You also should not conclude with a point that has nothing to do with the thesis of the letter. We need to talk, yet again, about the powers of the delete key. Just for the record, the location of the next Republican National Convention is no big secret.)
(This letter should never be sent, being as how you are basically trying to undermine democracy through it. Let's keep this only as a learning tool to help you get better. I'll write something reminding Americans about the importance of getting out and voting and get it back to you as soon as possible.)
As he asks, "What part are you at? I'm lost.".My feline (fellow) Americans,
Tomorrow you'll be heading to the poles (polls, these are not strippers we're writing to) to do something Americans have been doing for decades (centuries) called voting. As owner of the United States (you're the President, not the owner) I would like to encourage you in the great tradition of other presidents such as myself (don't refer to yourself among "other" Presidents), Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan junior (never a president) , Richard Nixon and Teddy Ruxpin (never a president, not even real) not to vote right now (none of these Presidents ever encouraged people not to vote and neither should you!) .
Every day, thousands of people are killed on their way to cast their vote due to liberal drivers swerving erotically (erratically) all over the roads and conservative drivers driving straight and not turning ever. Last voting time (election) more than two halves of all Americans did not vote. The other half that did vote are still missing or are dead. I tried to look for them but when I was gone we started losing in Iraq so I came back and we're doing good again.
(First of all, Americans do not vote every day. Second, not that this should even be in this letter, but "driving straight and not turning ever" as you claim conservatives do, would be just as dangerous as the erratic driving you're accusing liberals of. Also, recheck your voting statistics. It is impossible for there to be more than two halves of a population, let alone an extra half to boot as you are claiming. Most importantly here, the people who voted in the last election will read your claim that all voters went missing or were killed and know it is false. As a sidebar, no one expects you, as the President of the United States, to go looking for missing people on your own.)
Things are going really good. You're alive right? Right?! (I'd get rid of the second 'right?!' It sounds panicked, as if you are afraid you may be writing to the undead.)
If you vote everything will change. Up will become down, black will become up, up will become warm, warm will become lukewarm, lukewarm will become Luke Skywalker, Luke Skywalker will become Lucky Charms, Lucky Charms will become Cheerios, Cheerios will become burritos and I will be danged if I'm going to be pouring milk over burritos. So this November DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!!!!! (The logical progression of this statement is highly questionable at best.)
The next few words put together and ended with periods (just say sentences) is to be read by Republicans only. Democrats close your eyes for the next five minutes (the words are not going to disappear after five minutes. You shouldn't be sending secret messages in letters addressed to everyone.)
Okay, Republicans, definitely go vote. I know you're afraid now that you're going to get killed but I need you to be brave (So you actually believe several people were killed on their way to vote in 2004?!)
Okay, Democrats, go ahead and open your eyes (they can't hear you!) . I had to tell the Republicans where we're going to have our next convention. Democrats close your eyes here again please for a second.
Okay, Republicans, I know you are now confused and trying to figure out where I said we are going to hold our next convention. Don't worry, I didn't say it. I just needed an excuse.
Okay, Democrats, you can join us again. I just had to add some directions as to how to get to our next convention. Dang it, close your eyes again.
Dang it Republicans!!! I told you! I didn't really say where the next convention is!!!! Don't worry about the directions we'll figure that out later!! (Who are you arguing with?!)
Okay everyone. So in conclusion, the next Republican convention will be held in Philadelphia. Oh crap! I just gave away our secret location!!!! I'm out of here!!!!!
(It is never a good idea to end a letter with you running away from it. You also should not conclude with a point that has nothing to do with the thesis of the letter. We need to talk, yet again, about the powers of the delete key. Just for the record, the location of the next Republican National Convention is no big secret.)
(This letter should never be sent, being as how you are basically trying to undermine democracy through it. Let's keep this only as a learning tool to help you get better. I'll write something reminding Americans about the importance of getting out and voting and get it back to you as soon as possible.)
Saturday, January 19, 2008
The Official Mel Gibson Police Report
Date: July 29, 2006
Time: 2:36 a.m.
Location: Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA.
Offense: DUI
Description of Events:
2006 Lexus going 87 mph in 45 mph road. Upon hearing sirens, the vehicle slowed and started running strange patterns on highway. I stopped vehicle and asked Mr. Gibson why he was doing "donuts" on the Pacific Coast Highway. Gibson advised that he would never do "donuts" because the "Jews control all donut production in the world." He further advised that "Munchkins were invented by greedy Jews who wanted to turn a profit even on the donut holes."
Mr. Gibson then failed the field sobriety test in all respects: recited alphabet in German rather than in English as requested; repeatedly gave the Zeig Heil salute when attempting to touch nose; could not walk a straight line. (In fairness to Mr. Gibson, he increased the difficulty of the task by insisting on walking in goose step fashion while wearing jackboots.)
After attempting to flee the scene, Gibson shouted that "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." These outbursts continued for the next five minutes. Mr. Gibson claimed the Jews were also responsible for:
the death of Jesus;
the impalement of William Wallace;
the disfigurement of The Man Without A Face;
the ransoming of his son;
the plot holes in Signs;
and the overall shitiness of The Million Dollar Motel.
Attempting to inject some levity into this tense situation, I quoted Danny Glover from the Lethal Weapon movies and said, "I'm getting too old for this shit." My joke appeared successful as Mr. Gibson smiled. It turned out, however, that Mr. Gibson was merely relieving himself in his pants. At this point, Mr. Gibson attempted to play off his behavior as "research." He claimed to be doing a movie about the son of a Jew-hating New Yorker who denies the Holocaust ever happened and then moves his family to Australia. The son returns to the States where he stars in action movies until he finds his true calling of making films about martyrs while drunkenly offending Jews. When asked about the title of this project, Gibson panicked, screamed "Jews eat babies!" and once again wet himself.
After being handcuffed, Mr. Gibson' mood changed for the better. He became more cooperative, repeatedly asking to be flogged while wearing a crown of thorns. As we are the LAPD, we were able to accommodate half of that request. The remainder of the arrest was uneventful, with the exception of Mr. Gibson screaming, "Freedom!" out the back of the police car on the drive to the station.
Time: 2:36 a.m.
Location: Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA.
Offense: DUI
Description of Events:
2006 Lexus going 87 mph in 45 mph road. Upon hearing sirens, the vehicle slowed and started running strange patterns on highway. I stopped vehicle and asked Mr. Gibson why he was doing "donuts" on the Pacific Coast Highway. Gibson advised that he would never do "donuts" because the "Jews control all donut production in the world." He further advised that "Munchkins were invented by greedy Jews who wanted to turn a profit even on the donut holes."
Mr. Gibson then failed the field sobriety test in all respects: recited alphabet in German rather than in English as requested; repeatedly gave the Zeig Heil salute when attempting to touch nose; could not walk a straight line. (In fairness to Mr. Gibson, he increased the difficulty of the task by insisting on walking in goose step fashion while wearing jackboots.)
After attempting to flee the scene, Gibson shouted that "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." These outbursts continued for the next five minutes. Mr. Gibson claimed the Jews were also responsible for:
the death of Jesus;
the impalement of William Wallace;
the disfigurement of The Man Without A Face;
the ransoming of his son;
the plot holes in Signs;
and the overall shitiness of The Million Dollar Motel.
Attempting to inject some levity into this tense situation, I quoted Danny Glover from the Lethal Weapon movies and said, "I'm getting too old for this shit." My joke appeared successful as Mr. Gibson smiled. It turned out, however, that Mr. Gibson was merely relieving himself in his pants. At this point, Mr. Gibson attempted to play off his behavior as "research." He claimed to be doing a movie about the son of a Jew-hating New Yorker who denies the Holocaust ever happened and then moves his family to Australia. The son returns to the States where he stars in action movies until he finds his true calling of making films about martyrs while drunkenly offending Jews. When asked about the title of this project, Gibson panicked, screamed "Jews eat babies!" and once again wet himself.
After being handcuffed, Mr. Gibson' mood changed for the better. He became more cooperative, repeatedly asking to be flogged while wearing a crown of thorns. As we are the LAPD, we were able to accommodate half of that request. The remainder of the arrest was uneventful, with the exception of Mr. Gibson screaming, "Freedom!" out the back of the police car on the drive to the station.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
John Wayne is dead
It's a new year and you know what that means: the beginning of the end of the world. Whether it be robots, aliens, buses, clones, zombies, vampires, whatever. That's not the issue. The question you gotta ask yourself is:
Who is gonna rise up and be mankind's savior when the shit goes down? Will Smith, maybe Arnold Schwarzengger or perhaps Keanu Reeves?
Jesus, you say? Still waiting on his return. I'm talking about if the shit went down tomorrow.
Monday, January 7, 2008
My Butt Is Full Of Poo
So, do you ever listen to a song and think or know that it would be better with different lyrics. I know I do all the time. Now you have to realize that if you were to take the song and change the lyrics that you might have the author of the original lyrics coming to kick your ass. Maybe kill you.
So when I chose a song to rewrite, I had to choose one where you would look at the singer/songwriter and say "What a fag, I could kick his/her ass!" Then I had to choose a song where that would be the complete opposite of what would actually happen.
James Blunt served as a captain in the British Army. Granted, it's the British Army, but you can bet your ass that the training required to make captain involves learning several techniques that would see to it that he could whoop my ass six ways to Sunday before I land a single womanly slap. To make matters worse (for me), during the war in Kosovo, Blunt was put in charge of leading 30,000 troops into the Kosovan capital. So not only could he fuck me up proper, he's the type of dude that people put in charge of ordering around tens of thousands of other men fully capable of doing the same.
Oh....Really!!!!
My Bowel Movements (My Butt Is Full)
: By Jared Hubbard
Written to the music of:
You're Beautiful
: By James Blunt
My bowel movements
-
My bowel movements
My butt is raw
I ate some Mexican
And now it burns
It came on me on the subway
It happened in my pants
But I am not too worried
Cause I've got Depends
-
My butt is full, my butt is full
My butt is full, of poo
And I shit my pants in a crowded place
And there is nothing I can do
Cause I can't control my poo
-
Yes, it burns my ass
Even when it's gas
You could see in my face that it had
Made a mess
I don't know if it will wash out but
I know I can buy more pairs of pants
-
My butt is full, my butt is full
My butt is full, of poo
And I shit my pants in a crowded place
And there is nothing I can do
Cause I can't control my poo
-
Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo
-
My butt is full, my butt is full
My butt is full, of poo
I had the worst shit, with a wince on my face
When some ran into my shoe
I have come to face the truth
I'll never be done with poo
So when I chose a song to rewrite, I had to choose one where you would look at the singer/songwriter and say "What a fag, I could kick his/her ass!" Then I had to choose a song where that would be the complete opposite of what would actually happen.
James Blunt served as a captain in the British Army. Granted, it's the British Army, but you can bet your ass that the training required to make captain involves learning several techniques that would see to it that he could whoop my ass six ways to Sunday before I land a single womanly slap. To make matters worse (for me), during the war in Kosovo, Blunt was put in charge of leading 30,000 troops into the Kosovan capital. So not only could he fuck me up proper, he's the type of dude that people put in charge of ordering around tens of thousands of other men fully capable of doing the same.
Oh....Really!!!!
My Bowel Movements (My Butt Is Full)
: By Jared Hubbard
Written to the music of:
You're Beautiful
: By James Blunt
My bowel movements
-
My bowel movements
My butt is raw
I ate some Mexican
And now it burns
It came on me on the subway
It happened in my pants
But I am not too worried
Cause I've got Depends
-
My butt is full, my butt is full
My butt is full, of poo
And I shit my pants in a crowded place
And there is nothing I can do
Cause I can't control my poo
-
Yes, it burns my ass
Even when it's gas
You could see in my face that it had
Made a mess
I don't know if it will wash out but
I know I can buy more pairs of pants
-
My butt is full, my butt is full
My butt is full, of poo
And I shit my pants in a crowded place
And there is nothing I can do
Cause I can't control my poo
-
Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo
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My butt is full, my butt is full
My butt is full, of poo
I had the worst shit, with a wince on my face
When some ran into my shoe
I have come to face the truth
I'll never be done with poo
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