Maximizing your Ticket Value

Have you ever gone to a game and said, "man these seats suck?" Well, I have a solution for you - just follow my simple little plan.

1. You actually need a ticket to get through the door. Well, you don't, but for this we'll just assume you can get in the stadium.

2. Drink a little. Don't get stupid, just drink enough to get your courage up.

3. Find your way underneath the bleacher seats. It should be accessible, poorly roped off, and devoid of all people. It's real easy to find especially if you can get yourself to the service levels of the stadium.

4. Walk around under the seats until you find something like this...



5. You now have 2 options. You can either wait for a big moment in the game and sneak out there or you can make it obvious you're coming out, but for a good reason (find a TV/Radio wire and act like you're laying it out). Either way, when you initially get on the field you need to LOOK TOO BUSY TO FUCK WITH. A fake phone call worked wonders for me.

6. Walk behind all of the security that is watching the stands, and find your spot. I recommend this one:



7. Stay out of everyone's way and don't talk to ANYONE. Just look like you belong and act like you've been there before. If someone does ask who you work with, just say "AP" and give him the impression you're an asshole he wouldn't want to talk to. He'll leave you alone. I lasted the entire first half.

8. If you get caught, do not bitch, just walk away. I got off the field without giving any shit and I went to the seats to finish the game.

Justice is best served chilled

He's the biggest dealer on the streets, with
product on just about every corner. This
monster has no problem soliciting our kids.
"It'll make you cool.",kids are foolishly saying.

Police seem to have no desire to bring this
madman to justice. "It doesn't affect me", one
local officer was overheard saying. "Who gives
a shit?", was how another responded to my plea
for something to be done.



He sells it all, with hundreds being consumed
by his poisons everyday. People mix it, do it dry,
wet, hell, some of 'em even freeze it. But the shit
is addictive, I'll admit. It's a monster, a monster
that he controls, with little to no regard to how it
ruins lives.

That's why I'll be starting a neighborhood watch to
reclaim our lost innocence. Help me rid our streets
of this animal.

Help me lock up this "Mr. Kool".

A Message From the Wise Old Owl

Recently I have noticed something very disturbing in serious relationships that have just started or have just ended. They have brought to my attention a serious plaque in what I call "loving into status" or "pedestal jumping." Well animal kingdom, gather to the podium so we can correct this serious dilemma before its to late.

Let us start with our first subject. A friend of mine, which I have known for years, has recently married a wonderful women. He was always an outcast growing up. You know the type: listens to that different kind of music, has numerous piercings and tattoos, no friends. The only thing he wanted was acceptance growing up. His wife is a different story. Very popular growing up. Total 180 from her new husband. Suddenly I have seen a change in his personality that matches hers and not what his used to be. This guy has not changed for twenty some odd years and now he has grown up. He has "changed for the better." That is what it looks like from the surface.

Let us catch up with another kind of Jones'. Another friend of mine is now getting a divorce. Through his relationship, he was pushed by his significant other to be what she wanted in a man. He lived his life for what she wanted him to be without being himself or having a personality of his own. When he could not live up to this personality she thought he was a fake and a phony. She felt betrayed and called it over. Now he does not know what to live for. He does not know what he likes to do or what purpose he has.

What do both of these scenarios have in common? Both of these guys decided to live their life through their wife. One is just starting to and one just ending. By the way, don't think it doesn't happen to females because I have seen women live their life through a man in the navy. All my shipmates can back me up on this. All these wives of captains and commanders using their husbands status to control other sailor wives and sailors. It is one of the worst things in the navy and one of the many reasons I am getting out."Hey wife of somebody important, you don't get paid by the government for the rank of such and such so if you try to tell me or, if I had one, my wife to do something don't be surprised if you get a little chuckle with no compliance and a big laugh behind your back. You are just a joke to everyone."

This is not a pleasant subject and I would probably say if it is happening to you, you don't know it. "Loving into status" stems from low self confidence from not just one partner but both partners. The person that lives their life through their partner is looking for the key to acceptance. Looking for the partner that will give them the confidence they need to be happy and successful. On the other end, the partner in control, needs that person that they will always win against so they can always compare how great they are. They will achieve this by making sure the other person knows how terrible they are.

If you are in this type of relationship, then you will probably not recognize this because that is the way life goes. You will find this out when it is to late and you regret all the time wasted. I am talking to all those animals that are single and are playing the dating game or just starting a relationship. Just be yourself! Yeah, yeah, every year book says it and of course you always think: you are yourself because who else would you be. I am just saying you don't need someone else to define you and you don't need someone else to live through or up to. Forget your heroes because you don't need to be a hero and no one needs to be yours. You are yourself and it doesn't matter what anybody else wants. Life is about what you want. But maybe it's none of my business and I don't know what I am talking about. I'll let it be.

Pedo-Santa!

I know that when you think of Christmas you are supposed to think of presents, snow, family gatherings and fun times. Lately though, whenever I think of Christmas, I am thinking of all the poor children who are being sent mixed signals.

For 364 days out of the year, children are told to never accept candy or toys from strangers. It makes sense. However, for one day out of the year, parents tell their children that it is okay for a fat jolly old man to sneak into their house and give them presents. The children have to be asleep though? Is that a good thing? When I think of this fat jolly man sneaking around in the night leaving stuff for children, what exactly happens in the middle of the night to all these sleeping people. I mean, any other time of the year, if someone sneaks into your house, you call the cops and they put 10 pounds of lead into that person. But, not this night. Now you are probably saying, "Oh, but he leaves stuff. He doesn't take anything." Really? He's not taking anything, except our childrens innocence.

It's not just the kids who are in danger either. Who knows what foul things this man is doing to you while you are sleeping. I'm not worried about you though, you are an adult and you brought this on yourself by allowing this foul creature into your house. No one actually knows what this man looks like. It could be anyone, there could be 20 different "Santas" that visit your house that night to leave "presents", and by presents I don't mean toys.

Does no one else see the danger of this? What if someday during the year a fat man comes up to your kid and says, "Hi Timmy, I forgot to give you this toy for Christmas. You probably wouldn't recognize me right now, I have a disguise on. I am Santa and this van over here with no windows, is actually my sleigh." Hello, does no one see this happening? Am I the only one.

Who is Vanilla Ice's Father?

Attention to all: Vanilla Ice is looking for his true biological father. I am sure you have always wondered why is that guy such a rebel bad ass and now the secret is out. Not growing up with a father figure has torn his ego in such a way that he was forced to release such thug hits like "Ice, Ice , Babby", "Elvis killed Kennedy", "Get your ass up", and "Iceman party". Hell he even almost killed Ron Jeremy on television out of rage. This was latter linked to the fact that Ron was his only father figure growing up (through the dirty porn left for him to watch as a little tyke). Once he found out that Ron wasn't his father he went ape nuts. A certain something did not match up. So science has nailed it down to four guys that had sex with his mom during the time frame. The only way to find out who is Mr. Ice senior is by your vote:

a. David Bowie: same hair dew and same bass line to both of their songs(Ice Ice Baby and Under Pressure)

b. Ice Cube: similar names and bad ass personality

c. Ice T: A long shot but he has many babies which he has not claimed and he was a pimp

d. Iceman: same skin tone; also double jointed for those sweet dance moves

A Christmas Poem (from my Mad Libs)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the (type of building) whore house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a (animal) cock.
The (plural noun) whores tucked, all snug in their (plural noun) crabs.
While visions of (adjective) hairy plums danced in their heads.
Then up on the (noun) lubricated tip there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my (noun) circle jerk to see what was the matter.
It was St. Nicholas with his little (adjective) liposuction belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of (plural noun) babies.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the (plural noun) holes, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his (part of the body) taint aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the (noun) stem he rose.
And I heard him exclaim as he (verb past tense) motor crossed out of sight,
" (adjective) Corneous Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Super-Thoughts

When Clark Kent gets dressed in the morning to go to work at the Daily Planet, in his suit and tie, where does tuck his cape? We all know that he wears his Superman costume under his suit, but where and how could he possibly tuck in that long ass cape? And how come NO ONE can tell that Clark Kent is Superman? They look exactly alike except Clark has glasses. He works around a shitload of reporters and NO ONE can see that they're the same person?

Why is it no matter what Bruce Banner (the Hulk) has on- suit, scrubs, dockers, whatever, it always turns into purple cut-offs? Every single time.

Who the hell thought that "the Thing" was a cool super-hero name? Let's recap: Mr. Fantastic (totally vain but kinda cool name), Invisible Woman (not bad), Human Torch (freaking awesome) and then "the Thing". Fucking c'mon! It's the Fantastic Four, not the "Three Cool People with the Cool Sounding names and that one rock dude". Why couldn't his name be "Rockslide" or something? That's pretty gangster. But no, they had to go and call him "the Thing". Gay.

Do the members of the Justice League ever make fun of Batman behind his back for not having any superpowers? Let's face it; he's pretty much a police officer in tights. Even Aquaman can talk to fish. Lame and useless, but a superpower. What? Batman is super smart? I'm sure that doesn't impress motherfuckahs that can FLY and SHOOT LASERS OUT OF THEIR EYES and or talk to fish.

Why is Spider-Man so awesome? But his aunt May, what is she like 800 years old? In the old original comics she was pretty old when he was a teenager (like 15) and now he's gotta be in his late 20s maybe early 30s. What the hell? I mean in almost every one of the old issues she was about to die if she didn't get some heart medicine and shit and now she's the picture of perfect health.

What lazy ass came up with the "invisible jet" that Wonder Woman supposedly has? Why not just say "Ok she can fly"? This invisible jet raises more unanswered questions. Like "how many people can it sit comfortably?", "where does she get jet fuel?" and "why is everything inside it invisible EXCEPT her?".

Why do people embrace heroes like the Fantastic Four and hate heroes like the X-Men? How do people know that the Fantastic Four aren't mutants? Or that the X-Men didn't just get their powers from some cosmic radiation?

Does the Flash have sex at supersonic speeds? If so, how could he ever expect to please any woman if he comes too soon?

Why did the Daredevil movie suck so much? I mean, it' s pretty horrible. Daredevil's a pretty interesting character, so why make such a sucky movie? Thank God, he'll never have watch it (he's blind and not real).

Words To The Wise!!

These words of wisdom that I am relaying to you come from my own experience last night. It was late, we were both really tired. We were driving through Northern California. There was not very much traffic. So I was occasionally switching my lights from high to low beam.

If you have never driven in Northern California in the middle of the night, let me explain how you can achieve the full effect. Go into your closet or bathroom, make sure no light can get into either of these rooms, and then shut the light off in the room. Now close your eyes, see how dark it is? That is how dark it is.

So, we were driving just waiting to get to my parents house. When out of nowhere my wife says, "Do they have high beams with different settings, like low, medium or high?" Now mind you we were both really tired. So, being tired I assumed she knew something about the cars headlights that I didn't. So I reached down to the headlight switch and attempted to place it in high. Unfortunately for me, there is only one setting for high beams, that is why they call them high beams. That is the setting.

So I flipped the switch, remember how dark it was in that closet. Well, when I flipped that switch, I was in that closet. The whole world went dark. I non chalantly turned to my wife and stated, "There's off." That was the only other setting I found, off and on. It then dawned on me that I was driving 80 mph in total darkness. So calmly turned the headlights on, we didn't die and we reached our point of destination.

So the words of wisdom that I have for you are really important. There are no different settings for your high beams. No low, medium or high. There is on and off. That is why they call them high beams. Next point is, do not experiment with your lights when it is so dark that the outside world doesn't even exist. The third little bit of wisdom I am passing on, even if you are extremely tired and the world is about to end, your wife will never know something about your car that you don't know. Once she does know something that you don't know, the world has already ended.

Give ME a break

So I'm out buying groceries this past Sunday and I'm walking out to my car. Just listening to my Ipod, when this guy stops me and taps me on the shoulder. "Did I drop something?", I wonder. Nope. Then the guy asks me if I'm familiar with the area. "Ok, does this dude need directions?", I wonder. Nope.

This asshole wants money, and he wants me to give it to him. He goes through the whole song and dance. He can't work, can't go to his apartment, blah, blah, blah. So I'm like "Sorry dude, but only have like two dollars." He takes it, then this douchebag has the nerve to tell me "Yeah, there's an ATM inside." Wow. There's an ATM inside huh.

Why not just say, "There's a bank across the street, empty out your life savings and give that to me, and oh, there's a car dealership a couple of blocks from here, might as well sell your car while your at it". I fucking wanted to punch this guy in the face after that shit.

Beggars can't be Choosers, but they can be pretty fucking insistent.

Fat Fuckers (AKA: Pet Peeves)

I always like to put those out there so that if someone hears them and they actually do one of them, they can save me the trouble of telling them to go jump off a skyscraper. Seriously, that is what I wish a lot of people who do these things would do. People who wear socks with sandals. If you want to wear socks, that's fine. Just put on some fucking shoes. People who tuck their tee shirts into their pants or shorts, when it isn't an undershirt. Why the fuck are you tucking it in, it is a t-shirt. There is no way to make it formal. One of the worst peeves is when a fat person makes fun of a fat person for being fat. How fucking retarded is that? You're making fun of someone, who is exactly like you, for being exactly like you. One uppers, why can't you ever admit someone did something better than you?! Why does everyone treat every person they meet as if they are trying to become friends? I have people telling me that I have no people skills and if I keep acting the way I do I will never make any friends. I have all the friends I need, if I wanted new friends I would be nice. Until I want to become friends with someone, get the fuck off my back. I can treat anyone how I want. If I want to be a douche, so be it. At least it's on my terms. I guess I could go on and on with these, there just isn't enough time or space. I guess all my pet peeves are the reason why I hate people, everyone else can fuck of and wear their socks with sandals.

Take off your hat and jack off

Seriously, who beats off with a parka on? Slip outta the winterwear, get comfortable, grab the cocobutter, light some candles and have at it. In all actuality, you could spank your monkey while wearing a hat with relative ease, so this saying needs to be re-worded.

Oprama? For President!

Oprah Winfrey came out this week in support of who she wants to win the Presidential Election. No Surprise there, it's Sen. Barack Obama. Oprah Winfrey said worry about the direction of her country and a personal belief in Barack Obama pushed her to make her first endorsement in a presidential campaign. Her first ever. Now, I have nothing against the Senator. In fact I believe in a lot of the views and ideas that he has stated. My problem is with the woman named Oprah Winfrey. There have been many candidates in the past that have had the same views and ideas as Sen. Obama. Why is she coming out now in support of a Presidential Candidate? I'll tell you why...............He's not white. Oh, did I say that out loud? Is Oprah racist? If you have ever paid attention to anything she has done you would know the answer to that. Also, if you have ever paid attention to anything she has done, You are gay!

Stem Cell Menage A Troi?

According to the Washington Post, scientists have made a miraculous breakthrough. They are now able to use skin cells to create stem cells, thus negating the use of human embryos. This makes it much more likely that we will be able to use these cells to heal people using their own DNA from skin cells.

The point this brings up is a very important one in my opinion. When this is proven and tested that it works with no side effects, they will be able to even create appendages that someone has lost. Since it is your own DNA, it will be your appendage, not someone elses. Therefore your body will not reject it.

Now, what man out their hasn't wanted to do two women at the same time? You know, the little menage a troi, that we all dream about. I know there are some men who have been with two women at the same time, but have they had sex with two women at the same time? I think not... No longer will man have to switch between one and the other. With this breakthrough, men will now be able to actually do two women at the same time. Yes, that is right. I am suggesting that when the time is right you can take your skin cells and make them into another penis. Another penis, amazing! The porn industry will bring new meaning to the term, Double Penetration. What if you are married, you ask? Well, you can have sex with your wife and get a hand job at the same time. What!! That is crazy. I know, just imagine the possibilities.

So in closing, keep up the good work Mister Scientist. Keep it up, for the hope of all "Man"kind.

How to call out from work

Me: Hey, boss. Sorry I can't make it into work today.

Boss: Oh. Well, are you sick? You'll need to bring in a doctor's note if you're sick.

Me: Sick. No, I'm fine. I just don't feel like coming in today. I wanna use one of my sick days through.

Boss: I'm sorry, but you just can't do that. You're just gonna have to come in.

Me: Why? Cause I'm not sick? Oh, well i guess I...my car won't start...my wife...um... is having...a baby? I mean screw it, it's just one day. I mean c'mon.

Boss: Sorry, but we really need you here today. You're just gonna have to come in.

Me: Listen, I'm not coming in. It's just not happening. I have sick days, so what if I'm not acually sick. Use 'em. Listen, that place ain't gonna burn down if I'm not there. Plus if it does, at least I won't be there. Fuck man. (Hangs up the phone.) What a douchebag. Playstation, here I come.

Boss: Hello?

Life, Love, Death & Excrement?!

I just listened to the song, "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight" by Cutting Crew and I started to think. Now, I am assuming that he is speaking metaphorically, since he is singing and I have never seen a Zombie sing like that, let alone heard of one. Now, when he died, I am also assuming that all his body muscles relaxed and he released his bowel and bladder. So now he has piss and shit all over him. Also his lover is holding him so she now has piss and shit all over herself as well. Most people when they get someone else's bodily excement on themselves will get kind of sick and when I say kind of sick I mean puke all over the place. So there she is, holding her dead lover with his crap and urine all over each other and she just vomited all over the place. My question is: Will that be all she thinks of in the future when she tries to remember him? I know I would.

What would Jesus do...

If he woke up next to a dead hooker in a shady motel room?

He'd probably just leave her, so why are you sweatin' it? Get the
hell outta there before the CSI shows up.

How Movie Awards Take Place Before Editing!

• Host

Now for Best Actor, here to present the award is Tom Selleck and Billy Zane.

• Visual

Tom and Billy proceed onto the stage. Billy walks on stage calm and collected and cool as usual, because Billy Zane is a cool dude. Tom walks on stage like the actor he is, lost and confused.

• Crowd

Yeahhhh! Yeahhhh! Billy you are the man! Yeah, go Billy!!

• Crowd

Who the fuck is Tom Selleck?!!!

• Billy Zane

Wow, this crowd is great!! They are something aren't they Tom?!

• Tom Selleck

Huh??? Oh, I guess........................Why am I here?

• Billy Zane

Yeah? Anyway, here's the nominees...

• Announcer

Number 1: Billy Bob Thornton in "The Life Of A Sellout"

Visual: Camera shows Billy Bob Thornton scratch his ass and then smell his fingers. When he realizes the camera is on him he pulls out a Saltine and starts eating it.

Number 2: Vince Vaugn in "People Who Can't Act, But Get Paid To"

Visual: Camera shows Vince Vaugn take a drink of some unknown liquid, he then vomits into the cup and continues drinking.

Number 3: Tom Cruise in "Endless Series Of Worthlessness"

Visual: Camera shows Tom Cruise pull out a picture of himself out of his wallet, he then reaches into his pants and begins building a complete replica of the White House out of pocket lint or masturbating.

Number 4: Tim Robbins in "The Guy That Everyone Sees In Movies, But Can't Name"

Visual: Camera Shows Tim Robbins turn to the person next to him and say, "Hi, I'm Tim Robbins. I was in Top Gun." Person answers, "You were in Top Gun?....Are you Tom Cruise?" Camera slowly pans down and slowly pans back and forth as if the camera itself knows how sad it can be.

Number 5: Brad Pitt in "I Fucked Jennifer Aniston & Angelina Jolie, Who Wants To Suck My Dick"

Visual: Camera shows Brad Pitt looking in his pants and you can read his lips. "Hello beautiful! How are you doing? Wait...........What The Fuck Is That!!!!! Oh...Those are just my Balls."

• Visual

Tom Selleck still lost and confused has walked offstage into the musician pit and has ruptured his spleen.

• Billy Zane

The award for Best Actor goes to:

Vince Vaugn in "People Who Can't Act, But Get Paid To"

• Visual

Camera follows Vince Vaugn as he attempts to make his way to the stage. He stumbles onto Jack Black and begins caressing his man titties. He then remembers where he is and continues to the stage. Meanwhile, Tom Selleck has managed to crawl back onto the stage and take his place at the podium with Billy Zane. Vince stumbles onto the stage and falls down. He tries to get up and falls again. Grabs onto Tom's leg and manages to pull himself up just in time to vomit all over Tom and piss all over his pants and the stage. Vince manages to not realize there is now piss on the stage and slips and falls while vomiting again. Laying in his own filth, Vince reaches for the award and subsequently drowns on his vomit and piss. Casually, Billy Zane places the award in his hand without touching the waste on the stage. With the composure of a supremely talented man, Billy walks off into the sunset. To do what only cool guys do so well. Not be gay fucks like everyone else.

Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He's a cool dude.

DeLorians Are So Yesterday, Now It's Salt Shakers and Urine Sample Bottles

If you don't know what the title means, you won't find the answer here. If it makes no sense whatsoever, than it has accomplished it's mission.

For those that don't know what we are about, you are in for a treat? a surprise? and a holy shit they let these guys out in public? Yeah! They do. We can't help that we are better than everyone else, it just happens that we are. Do you think that we chose to be this way? We didn't. This superiority was thrust upon us. We can't change the way we are. Don't hate the fact that you will never be as smart, intelligent, suave, or handsome as us.

Let us lead you in the right direction to make that miserable thing you call a life, something worth living.

Jared/Preston